Wednesday, September 17, 2014

In Crush.

I fell in love. 
Okay no, I haven't found my perfect match. I'm still very single. But I did fall in love. At first sight even. 
Okay it's not real love. It's not even real love adjacent. But it's an all-consuming, can't stop thinking about you, mentally-crippling crush that, to a junior high kid, would feel like a love that would never fade away. 
It's not even falling in lust. It's just a crush. (cue Jennifer Paige song) But it hit me in the face like a backpack full of grad school books and I've been dizzy ever since. I'm "in crush."

I'm 31 years old. Are crushes like this supposed to happen to people my age? Are our hearts still supposed to flutter at the mention of a name or at the remembrance of making eye contact? Whatever the answer is, I'm fluttering. Which is flustering. 

I prefer to be in charge. I like to lead things. I like to be in control. In so many aspects of life, that comes so naturally, but when it comes to a wandering heart that meanders its way wherever it so pleases, why do I feel completely helpless? I get a crush and my brain turns to Jello; it's functional as a solid but when you shake it around, it waivers and collapses like goo. 

I think the funny thing about crushes is that you are the one that ends up feeling crushed. I'm the one that can't stop thinking about it. They are blissfully moving on with their life...or are they? Maybe it's reciprocated? Maybe we can be "in crush" together? Maybe it's meant to be? Maybe I've found the love of my life?!

And then that happens. I hate this. 

But truthfully, I also love that I can still feel the flutter. It's a nice reminder that my single heart that's sat in time-out for a while still has a desire to come out and play. 

So if you need me, I'm going about my life: working, taking the train, walking here or there. And while my Jello brain is enabling all of those things to happen in a functional capacity, all it takes is one thought and I'm goo again. 

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