Friday, December 13, 2013

6 months

It's been exactly six months since I last blogged, an eternity in the blogger continuum. Why even bother at this point? There's so much to recap, it's not even worth saying it.

This year has been a true mountaintop experience. Well, the middle part of it was. The beginning and end felt more like climbing up and subsequently sliding down that mountain. The triumph of turning 30 this summer and releasing "I Laughed Too Hard," a work four years in the making (technically 30 years in the making but that's neither here nor there) was bookended by breakups on either end of the year. The first initiated a slow climb back to fresh air. I slowly climbed back into myself, finding my footing and shedding the weight (both figuratively and literally) that had kept me pressed down to the ground. The second felt like an awkward stumble down the mountain, away from what I'd worked for and stepped into.

It's interesting to me, nay, I say ironic, that as I look at the calendar pages turning from 2013 to 2014, I'm also at another turning point in my life. A moment of reinvention. A moment to pivot and change directions again. I don't think that's by accident. There's something profound about the fact that I don't have to set resolutions for the New Year, because my entire existence is a resolution currently. I was able to reinvent myself in the opening months of 2013, and by doing so, becoming a better version of myself. Now, I'm afforded the same opportunity yet again.

This year has been the greatest year of my life. I marched fully into who I am, what I love and who I can be. I accomplished goals I'd set for myself. I found love. But with every great thing, there was a counterbalance of loss, but that's what keeps us rational. That's what keeps us human. That's what keeps us from becoming Kanye.

I feel like I'm in attack mode again, and that's an awesome feeling.
I have some new goals to attack and demolish.
I have some new visions I want to see materialize. 
And I'm writing again.

And furthermore, this year isn't even over yet. There's still so much life to live. And I'm going to live.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Turning the page


Tomorrow, I turn 30.
I tried to write down what my brain was processing and it just wasn't working but I realized I'd been listening to music all day that has meant something to me over the course of these years. In moment that would seem strange to anyone else but me, I found myself listening to two mice singing.
The song "Somewhere Out There" has always resonated with me for some reason. Actually, since I was a little kid, this song made me cry.  It did today too.
It's such a simple song from a kid's movie, but it's so hopeful. I can't think of a song that is more hopeful and so full of love actually. I knew that even when I was kid, even if I couldn't articulate it.
All I've done this week was think about the people I love and whose love I feel in return. In all honesty, I've been thinking about this for the past few months as I've completed "I Laughed Too Hard." In my book, I write about how I believe life is nothing but the people who are in it. In that respect, I've never been more grateful for my life.

"Somewhere out there, someone's saying a prayer
That we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there
And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star."

So as I sit in my office and cry like a little girl while two mice sing, I'm so thankful. Tomorrow, that number on my age changes but that love in my life will not. I'm at a place in my life where I am comfortable with who I am, who I have in my life and what I'm doing with it. I want to celebrate that. But none of that matters without the love I feel from near and far. So if you're reading this, somewhere out there, wherever you are, thank you. I love you too.


Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Inhale

I am on the cusp of something great.
You know that moment right before it starts to rain? You can almost feel the clouds collectively inhale before letting go of everything they have been storing up inside them. That's what I feel like right now. I'm living in an inhaling cloud that's about to let go. 

In less than a month, I will turn 30. That's not scary to me in the slightest. In actuality, it's rather exciting. A new phase of life! I'm ready. About a month later, I release my first book through Amazon and Kindle. A celebration of the first Act of my life, I'm going to be able to articulate in a digestible form what I've learned from becoming myself. There are elements of fear wrapped up in that as well but the good kind of fear. The kind of fear that's a motivator and not a hindrance.The summer is full of being able to see most of the people in my life who I love and that seems daunting for some reason but so potentially fulfilling as well. That and I have someone new to share all of this with. Perhaps that's the most exciting thing of them all.

There's something about letting go and letting life happen. We work hard to control what we can control about our schedule, our future plans, and our dreams, but when you have worked so hard to put things in place and it's all happening, taking your hands off the wheel for a moment and letting life's cruise control take over for a minute is incredibly freeing. It's no secret I like to be in control, Janet Jackson and I have that in common, but I'm ready to let go of the wheel for a minute.
I'm ready to let the clouds exhale and just bask in the rain for a moment.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Unsettled

After a weekend of running around the city and having the time of my life doing it, it's always an important moment to come back to my little studio apartment, where I live alone, and take a moment to be alone. I have a love/hate relationship with that moment, though it is, perhaps, the most important moment of the week.
It's easy to become wrapped up in the happenings of the week and what we do to fill our days on the weekend. I over-commit usually and spend most of my time running from this place to that place. I'm okay with that honestly. But the moment I get home, stare at my empty apartment and allow everything to settle, I can see clearly again for the next step, which in this case is the week ahead of me. There's such a power in that silence and that emptiness. It's at once calming and unnerving.
The cloud of text message conversations, phone calls, chats, emails and lists on a calendar all settle to the bottom of the apartment and all I see is what's left dangling above. Those things don't seem to change from week to week, at least they haven't in a while.
But I think what's been the most unnerving over the past month is that nothing has settled. There's been no clarity. Nothing has landed and everything is still floating out in the void that happens to be my headspace.
I'm not sure what to do about this and I don't know that anyone else will have the answer either. But it's just a fact of life right now. Just writing about it has given me the upper hand. It's no longer in control because I had the audacity to write about something honest in public. There's a lot more of that to come this year and in that, I am allowing myself to be powerful.
Goodnight, dear void. It's been a good one. But tomorrow, I'm going to make you go away for good.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Tonight's moment.

It's the moments when you are alone that you learn the most about yourself. Regardless of how great things may be going or how terrible something may seem, it's when you are alone with only the thoughts in your head that remind us who we really are.
It's good to be brought back down to Earth and shaken back into seeing things for how they really are. Even if that makes us sad, at least we are being honest with ourselves.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Large and strong


"I have seen your info and has decided to write to you. I am Elena I write you from Russia from cities of Moscow. I hope, I hope I have made a correct choice, and we can find much in common in each other and we can create family. I am 25 years, growth 178. I never was in a marriage, and I do not have any children.
I dream of the large and strong love. I think, that you also dream of it.
I hope, our dreams will come true also we probably we shall embody them in the validity.
If I am interesting for you, please  write to me by my electronic mail:"

Perhaps it's due to Valentine's Day week, a week I have been dreading for some time now, but this spam email caught my completely off guard and made my day.
Elena from from Russian from cities of Moscow writes to me how she dreams of "the large and strong love." Then she totally calls me out on the fact that I dream of that too.Know-it-all-Russian-bitch.
I probably shouldn't be having this moment on basis of a spam email, but really, isn't that what we're looking for? I am at least. A large and strong love. I don't want a piddly and simple love - that's boring. I want the all-consuming, overly-passionate, indescribable love. Just like Elena does.
It's been a rough month in that department but that's just life sometimes. It'll happen eventually, and if not, then I will just email Elena I guess. And no, I don't know what "growth 178" means but I kinda want to reply to find out.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Another adventure

I've never been particularly fit. When I was a kid, I played some kid sports, but after that, I just got into singing and acting. I didn't care for running, still don't actually, and I've had a difficult time finding the motivation to really do something about it.
I've always been rather successful at what I put my mind to, but none of those things involved being physical. Most of it involved sitting at a computer and the amount of exercise that brings is nil.
When I moved to New York, I was surrounded by thin, fit, beautiful people. I couldn't have felt more out of place. Yes, I did lose some weight because of all the walking and that was great, but ultimately it was only one belt notch smaller and I needed to go down 5 or 6 notches.
Determined to find my way in a new place and reinvent myself in the process, I drastically changed my diet. I didn't have money for a gym membership but I knew I could control what I ate. I lost 45 pounds over the period of a few months and I was feeling great about myself. I wasn't there yet, but I knew I had hit a milestone. Down a pant and a shirt size. I hadn't been this size since high school.
Over the last year, I learned how to keep it off and stay where I was. But it came time to kick it into gear again and go the rest of the way. This time, not just the diet had to change. I had to...join the gym.
I figured out it was possible but when I figured that out, I got mono. That set me back about a month but I'm pleased to say it has begun. 
And I feel great about it.
It's a change, it's something new, and it's something I'm not entirely comfortable with. But that's what life is. It's a series of new and sometimes uncomfortable things that either build us up in a way we didn't know we needed or tear parts of us down that needed trimming.
I'm excited for this adventure. Change, it is a-comin. 


Sunday, January 27, 2013

Chapters

I posted on Facebook a few days ago that I was deep into writing my first book and it has a target date of June 2013 to be released. There was a dual purpose to posting that, as there is for most Facebook posts.
The first purpose was to let people know I was doing it. What does it matter if I write a book that no one reads? So this makes sense to say to the people I'm connected to online, "I am doing this to share my life with you."
The second purpose was more personal. I'm stuck now. Now that I've proclaimed to the world I'm doing this, that means it has to happen. I don't want to look like a fool and being someone that's been a part of the journalistic world, deadlines have always been an important part of my life.
So there is it. Short and sweet. I'm a writer, I'm writing a book and I have a deadline.

The next five months of my life are going to be a really incredible time of evaluation, decision making and striving for becoming the best version of myself that hasn't existed yet. With so much happening, so many irons in so many fires, and so much sleep that will be forgone in favor of bringing to fruition the things I've wanted for years, I hope to look back at the first half of 2013 as the six months that I completely changed my life.
It's not going to be easy. It's going to require a lot of being truthful with myself, truthful with others, and time spent on work that could have been spent on play. But that's how we do things isn't it? We dreamers? We have to. I don't want to say that I became complacent during the tail end of 2012, but I did become comfortable. On the one hand, becoming comfortable is a good thing. It means I accomplished what I wanted to and found a groove doing it. Now, it's time to be uncomfortable again.

It's with a heavy heart that I begin this march toward turning 30 but, it's going to be the best thing I ever did.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Fallen

What do you do when you've fallen?
Just recklessly fallen?
When there's no hope for you or your feelings.
You've just completely fallen.

I don't like falling actually. We've all had that dream where we are falling forever and it's always terrifying because we wake up when we hit the ground in our dream. When that happened to me, I was a kid and I fell off the bed. This is where I think Inception is a real thing and we shouldn't fall asleep on planes because I remember falling and falling and falling and falling. It was like I was falling off Everest and when I hit the ground...I was on the floor of my bedroom. I'd fallen about two feet. That's it.
When I was older, I had a dream that I fell off this tall ladder at work. I worked retail for about five years to make my car payments and there was this 30 foot ladder that I used to change the signs that hung from the ceiling. I never really thought I'd fall off the ladder but it was always in the back of my mind. Do I fall on top of the metal rack? Do I chance landing on my feet in the aisle? Of course I never got to change a sign in the pillow department. That'd be too easy an escape. But I had this dream that I fell off that ladder and landed on the top of the rack.
I don't care for falling.

But then again...once you've fallen...what can you do?
Might as well just go with it.
So I've fallen.
Not off a ladder or off Everest.
But I've fallen.
And I kinda like it.