Monday, June 6, 2011

My unexpected Jason Bourne lunch

New York is a great place, it's the greatest place in the world actually, but there are days when it can really just piss you off.
I'm walking to get lunch today and I felt that feeling you get when you know that someone is in your personal space. You know what I'm talking about. It's like your personal bubble has been unwantingly invaded. Well, I'm walking and someone kicks my heels. I don't think anything of it, after all, this is Manhattan, but then it happened again...and again...and again. So I turn around and this short blonde woman is all up on me. And I mean it. I could feel her saggy boobs against my back and let me tell you, I was not a fan. But, being a benefit-of-the-doubt type of person, I figure maybe she's just a speedier walker than I and so I step out of the way.
She proceeds to speed up, get in front of me and then stop, ensuring that I would physically run into her. Okay. So she's crazy. I say, nicely, "excuse me" and I step out of the way. Then she's on my heels again. Then she's in front of me again. So when she stopped and I ran into her the second time (this time was a little more forced on my part if I'm being bluntly honest, I was pissed) I looked her in the eyes and said, loudly and forcibly "QUIT IT IMMEDIATELY." I then went around her and kept walking. She followed.

Yes. She was certifiably crazy, but that does not mean that I won't push her into oncoming traffic. I was shaking I was so mad. Oh and she was mumbling the entire time so that we really nice. I head into the train station, she's following me still, and I had just had it. I got through that subway turnstile and it was like I became Jason Bourne. Get outta my way, I've got to disappear. And I did. That's where it got exciting. I was weaving in and out among pillars, I was taking ramps and stairs that led to all kinds of places, and I could see her trying to follow me but eventually, I lost her. Had she followed me down to the train that I was getting on, this story might have had a tragic ending because the seething anger that was rising up within me would have had to get out somehow and she might have ended up being pushed off the platform. Either that, or I would have played like she hit me, ran to the cops and had her arrested. Or maybe I would have out-crazied her crazy and shouted back at her in pig-latin. Or maybe...eh, you get the point. Something would have happened.

Moral of the story: Do not mess with me on the most beautiful day there ever was. My mother never taught me not to hit girls and I will take you out without hesitation.
There's a sad undercurrent to this story obviously. She really was crazy and I suppose that in some way, it's a good thing that she decided to unleash her crazy on me, Ryan Bourne, as opposed to someone with a gun. Right? Be that as it may - it made me so angry and wasn't the way I expected my walk to lunch would go. But really, that's what's so great about New York. It exceeds your expectations...in some way or another.

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