Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Is that all there is then?

I found myself cleaning today, which isn't such a strange occurrence. I like cleaning. Usually, it's something that I'm driven or forced to do, not by someone else but rather because of someone else. That was again the case today. I was forced to go and clean. It does more for me than just cleaning up a mess or straightening a room. It kinda cleans up my mind too. Everything just fixes itself. I clean when I'm nervous a lot of times because it gives me something to do with that nervous energy.
But I was cleaning out some drawers in the room that used to be mine and it was interesting to come across things that I haven't seen in years. Letters I haven't read in ages. Pictures I've forgotten about. CDs that I thought were long gone. At this most pivotal moment in my life, it's interesting to see things that shaped my past. Things that were so very very important to me at that time and see how their meaning has either been eroded away to nothing or have stood the test of time like hieroglyphs.
I saw a movie. I watched Easy A. A film devoid of any real meaning. It was the type of film that was entertaining but didn't leave me with anything that would matter later. I followed that with watching the film Howl, which couldn't have been more opposite from Easy A. A fascinating film that fused animation sequences with live action, topical social issues with poetry readings, brilliance mixed with a peppering of innocent and eccentric delusion. What that has to do with my irritation-based cleaning spree isn't really clear. But I secluded myself away and saw some films that I wouldn't have seen otherwise. Easy A was entertaining but hollow. Howl was fascinating and full of meaning. And I cleaned out some fragments of my life that have lost their once important flecks of meaning, creating space for new fragments of the present to join the volley. The volley between importance and insignificance. Between eroded stone and hieroglyph. It's interesting to see how the tides can change, even in something as simple as an album of music that was once our everything and is now an outdated reminder of our immaturity. So I plan on continuing to clean, yes, for cleanings sake, but also to further my exploration of who I was, who I am, and who I might be tomorrow. All that because I'm a Monica.

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