Monday, November 22, 2010

An open letter to American pop stars

Be better.
That's the moral of the story.
Be better.
What was going on last night on the American Music Awards? What was that? Is that the best that America has to offer as far as music is concerned? I would hope not. Now listen, I know that I usually give a play by play of each performance but some were so terrible that I'm scared to mention them for fear of what might happen. Kinda like in Harry Potter where they won't say Voldemort's name. Same thing.
Basically, I saw the performances last night in a sort of PASS/FAIL sort of way. So I'm going to separate them and only expound on the ones that I feel it's necessary to do so on.

Let's start with those who FAILED. That list includes Rihanna (why was there seven minutes of that filth? She threw on a bathing suit and warbled around on the stage with a bunch of futuristic grass? Fail.), Bon Jovi (how bad did he sound?!) Diddy (he may have the money but he was all kinds of the wrong way) Justin Beiber (I hate self-indulgent songs about prayer, especially when they come out of a pre-pubescent boy who dresses like a 60 year old black man and even after all the criticism, won't change his lesbian haircut).

Then there were the ones that PASSED. That list included Katy Perry (she had the best stage show of them all, the opening was LEGIT, and she looked gorgeous...even if she didn't sound so great), the Peas (3 minutes of the backup dancers doing the running man? Absolutely. Primary color jackets? Best thing ever. Elevators that lead to nowhere? Awesome), and Kesha...yes...I said Kesha (all the components worked, she sounded like she sounds on the album, and there were men in heels, but not in a gratuitous GaGa sort of way).

But I gotta say. I have to give the grade of INCOMPLETE to a few folks. Those folks were Miley, (What are you doing? She was like a tone deaf, head banging, witch of Eastwick) Pink (did you just decide not to sing last night in favor of running around and doing NOTHING at all?) and Christina (Oh Christina...everything about it was abysmal. She looked puffy [thats the nice word for it], she had Miss Piggy meets Golden Girls meets strung out Barbie hair, and she was out of breath from being so "sexy.") Honestly, she doesn't even deserve an INCOMPLETE. She deserves an award.
And ladies and gentlemen, the award for most useless, completely irrelevant, grasper for any shred of her former fame goes to.......

You get it. She's a mess.

But hey, the forty year old man from Train wore sequin pants. That's got to count for something right?
All in all, the awards were a mess and the image that America presented to the world about our music was something along the lines "Look at us. We're proving that our singers can't actually sing. They like to jump around a lot, but they aren't actually that good."
I just don't get it. Why didn't Brad Paisley or Lady Antebellum perform? They were there. They both won things. Why didn't they take Diddy's place? I just think there's more to offer than that. Or maybe there's not, which is sad. But at the end of the day, the American Music Awards presented themselves in exactly the way they don't want to be the B-List version of the Grammys.

So to American pop stars: Be better. I expect better of you. If you can't sing, don't try. Lip sync. Enrique did last night. Over-zealous, fame hungry, Enrique. Be more like him. I'm talking to you Rihanna. I'm talking to you.

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