Sunday, September 12, 2010

My favorite awards show...

Rather that write about the VMAs this year, I decided to compile my thoughts by the texts that I sent to others.
8:33 - Nicki Minaj is performing and she can't sing at all. SHe looks like a shiny ice cream cone.
8:35 - It's one of the worst things I've ever seen.
8:36 - Uh...youtube it. She just groaned loudly at a dancer.
8:53 - Kesha looks like a deranged Repunzel.
9:04 - Rihanna is singing with Eminem. She just hit a low note that was her first good note ever. The only good note she's ever sung.
9:11 - Please believe Gaga is wearing a feather mohawk.
9:18 - It's going to be anticlimactic because she's going to win everything and wear all kinds of dead lizards while doing it.
9:30 - J Biebs is lipsyncing and any minute, his balls might drop and his career will be ruined.
9:32 - And now tiny dancers are on the stage. And he's playing drums? What the hell is going on in
my life? Is he Finn from Glee? WHAT?
9:39 - Finally. Usher does something spectacular. Finally someone got the memo that this was the VMAs and not a mall performance.
9:56 - Now Florence and her machine are performing with all these legit dancers. It's like Britney's Stronger Video overhead shots mixed with Sinead O'Connor. And a choir? Who cares if she can't sing! That was a BEAST of a performance.
10:05 - Why is Jane Lynch wearing a dracula coat? She's like a super lesbian up there. I don't cant to know what her super power is.
10:06 - And now GaGa is dressed as a cloudy dinosaur.
10:15 - Taylor Swift just sang a song about Kanye...telling him he's still and innocent? I didn't know you could be "an innocent." I thought that was an adjective not a noun.
10:22 - Mary J. Blige and a harem of hookers!
10:38 - And they just sat there. They served no purpose. I've been irritated for 15 minutes because they just sat there. 30 girls. Sitting on stage. SITTING!
10:44 - Apparently B.O.B. is auditioning for a Jungle Book remake because he's hopping around like a chimp in heat.
10:48 - Hayley from Paramore sounds like she's being chocked and this song is so bad I'm seizing. You (drop 14 octaves below her range) are...the only exception.
10:50 - They should have just had Robyn sing that song and shake her lil blonde head all over the stage. It would have been more interesting than B.O.B.
11:05 - Wait. Cher is there. And she's wearing her outfit from when she was still turning back time.
11:08 - And I just saw GaGa's ass. And she's wearing a meat market. Moses, Abraham, Mary, and Joseph. She's wearing a dress made of meat.
11:11 - "Let's have a toast for the douche bags, the assholes, the scum bags, the jerkoffs?" Kanye?! What is going on?!

One thing. This show did not have a Taylor Swift/Kanye moment. I don't care if he did apologize on Twitter. A social networking site is not where you do your apologizing. You do it on the VMAs in front of all of us.
Good night.

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