Sunday, September 26, 2010

Applications

I kinda wish I could get new friends through an application process. Wouldn't that be great? If people just put in an application to be your friend and they had to come and interview for the job.
What would be on the application you might ask? I'm so glad you did.

1. Name and nicknames people call you. Not what you want to be called, but rather, what people call you. I need to know if I'm entering pet-name territory.
2. What television do you watch? If this answer is left blank, your application will not be processed.
3. What are your two favorite songs? Only two.
4. What are your top four favorite movies? If Twilight is on the list, you need not apply. While I am friends with people who like Twilight, the movies have no place in anyone's top four. For any reason. Whatsoever.
5. Tell me one time you literally burst into tears.
6. What is your opinion on the color orange?
7. What is your opinion on the number 6?
8. What is your opinion on Britney Spears?
9. What is your opinion on laughing for an hour for no reason? In a public place. Disturbing others. Pointless?
10. The last question is more of an interactive response. I feel like that person should have to sing. I just need to know if I'm dealing with someone that I can harmonize with.

If you noticed, there were some traps in there. Obviously. I mean, I gotta know right. You hate Britney? Dealbreaker. You don't care for the number 6? Dealbreaker. Twilight? Dealbreaker.
But then I thought, what if this person passes the first portion of the test? Shouldn't there be a follow-up interview? I mean, there are things that we need to know!
Like, I need to know if they like Mary Murphy, or coconut flavored things, or whether they prefer Jim Carrey in comedic or dramatic roles. I need to know if they sing in the car. I need to know if they watch sports and then post on Facebook the play-by-play (dealbreaker). I need to know these things. You don't like dogs? What? You don't think Amy Poehler is funny? What? You think 30 Rock is overrated? Absolutely not. You honestly believe that Rihanna is a good singer? I feel bad for you.
Perhaps it's for the best that an application isn't necessary. Apparently I'm high maintenance. I've learned something about myself here today. My friends are not all clones of me. That would be a lot. A LOT. But the harmonizing thing is important.

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