Sunday, July 4, 2010

Red velvet cake

I know that a great many people love red velvet cake and I will admit that I like it alright. But has anyone ever really thought about this cake? I mean, it's kinda strange right? It's chocolate but it's not really, it's red but it's not fruity, and people put cream cheese icing on it when in actuality it's supposed to have a different icing on it all together. It can't decide what it's supposed to be really. It's this bi-curious cake that people seem to like.
Vanilla knows what it is. Chocolate knows what it is. And even then, there are all kinds of variations on those two flavors. But at least they know who they are. Red velvet hasn't got a clue.
You know who else doesn't have a clue? There are quite a few pop stars that have no clue.

Exhibit A: M.I.A. I mean, she had one song that was on the radio, a song about shooting a store clerk and stealing the money in the register. A song with a really positive message. I mean, a really positive example to set to the youth of America. And she clearly has a way with hair, which makes up for her moral shortcomings in the things that she sings about...except that it doesn't. For real. She needs some assistance. And, if you've ever heard her actually sing live, you know that she could use some assistance there too.

Exhibit B: Miley. She's just trying too hard I think. Instead of letting the music speak for itself and doing some good performances, she's wearing too much fake hair and trying to appear grown up by dressing like needy Waco female citizens dress to go out. Don't get me wrong. She's got a rockin bod for a minor, but come on. These days, we just want good music with good performances. That's what we want. Plus, she's starting to come across as desperate as Christina Aguilera. I mean, that's desperate.

Exhibit C: The ultimate in clueless pop stars, Kesha. I mean, really? How have Native American groups not thrown the hugest of fits about this girl and her headdress wearing ways? I mean, that's more offensive than Justin's first solo single when he was trying to be black. I mean, with all the feathers, she looks like she just killed the singing crows in Dumbo. Has there ever been a more disturbing image?

So the bi-curious red velvet of the pop music world will continue to plague us I think. But they're interesting, which is great. Plus, how else will we feel really great about ourselves if we don't have freakshows to watch on E! News? I've never felt more normal and satisfied with my life than when I watch E! News, because so many of them are so wildly idiotic that my life seems not only balanced, but both functional and exciting at the same time, and that's a really good feeling. Because my life is balanced and functional and exciting and I didn't have to dye my hair fire engine red, dress like a slutty Waco citizen or anger Native Americans with wearing a headdress that's completely uncalled for. I'm vanilla. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

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