Saturday, July 3, 2010

Fess up Twihards

It's no shock to me that the Harry Potter trailer was released precisely when the new Twilight movie made it's way into theaters, and for good reason. We need some redemption in the wake of this other movie being unleashed on the world.
Look. As I've written before, I have suffered through the first two films, and I do mean SUFFERED through them, in an effort to be able to talk intelligibly about the films that are making so much money and causing such a stir in the zeitgeist at large.
Here's the deal. I've never understood what it was about this series that drew people in. Never. Girls shouldn't like it because Bella is one of the worst possible role models for women that's ever been on screen (and I include anything that Cameron Diaz has ever done on that list), and guys shouldn't like it because...well, they just shouldn't. Who would want to date her?
I figured out that I don't care for the voiceovers. Who does she think she is? Carrie Bradshaw? Absolutely not. Even though Carrie is neurotic and obnoxious at times, she's a lot more pleasant to listen to than Bella.
I hate to say this, but I think the most interesting character isn't the three that are all over the place, but it's the Riley character, the vampire that's turned against his will. Now there's a story. He's got an edge, he's interesting, and he's not helpless. By the end, I was rooting for him to get free. His is a story that's interesting. Not the need-based, obsession-laced, teenage love-affair about a girl who is obsessed with a vampire and can't wait for him to kill her so that she may also live as an undead entity and love him forever. Blah.
Sidenote: Can we talk for a minute about Kellan Lutz? Let's talk about it for a minute. Has a worse actor ever existed? I mean, he makes Taylor Lautner look like Al Pacino. For real. But I guess the movie needed someone who existed only for muscle sake? Silly me, I thought that characters needed to add something to the story that's being told.
Let's add onto this whole conundrum Ms. Fanning. Dakota Fanning is not only the star of the Dakota Fanning show (Hulu it) but she is also a terrific actress. Having said that...this wasn't so great. And how about her character's ordering the killing of the little vamp that surrendered? Gotta love the hope that offers and what that conveys to the audience. "Fall in with a bad crowd (against her will), realize you were wrong, choose the right way, and still you will get burned alive." The perfect fairy tale ending.
But whatever. I will say these three things about this movie.
Positive thing number one: The shot of the vampires coming out of the water was pretty rad (clearly rad enough to put in the trailer and every single commercial).
Positive thing number two: This movie was, in fact, better than the previous two, but that's not saying just a whole lot.
Not so much positive as it's not positive number three: I still, for no reason at all, understand why these films are a big deal. I am unable to get past the fact that the entire story is wrapped up in this girl who hates her life so much that she's going to do whatever it takes to be what the strange-looking vampire wants her to be. I mean, Bella Swan single-handedly mocks more than sixty years of feminist progress and I will never understand why any girl would want to relate to this character. And if a girl said that she did relate to Bella, she would need to seek professional help and fast, because there's nothing about her that's in any way redeemable. The only reason why anyone watches these movies is for the hot guys, so just fess up Twihards, that's the real reason. And as far as that goes, Mr. Lautner needs to put his shirt back on. The character doesn't call for shirtlessness during every single scene. Eat a cheeseburger and put on a sweater.
Did I waste 2 hours of my life? Not entirely. I mean, I cleaned my room, I packed some more and I watched a moderately entertaining movie with enough flaws to enable me to write this blog. But more than anything, it made me excited for Harry Potter because that's a movie worth getting excited about. So to that, I thank you Twilight. Thank you for making me fully cherish the wonder that is Harry Potter.

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