Sunday, April 25, 2010

800 years old

I was the one who fired the first shot at Lexington. Did you know that? The shot that started the American Revolution? Right. I fired that. The History Channel says that is the shot that changed the world.
My friends like to tell me that I'm 800 years old and in this moment, I am coming clean. Yes. I am, in fact, 800 years old. So I've decided to let you in on some of the things that I've kept secret for too long.
Alexander Hamilton? Not that big of a deal. History likes to tell you otherwise, but don't believe it. He just had a good head of hair.
George Washington and the cherry tree? It wasn't cherry. It was apple. But I can see how you'd be confused with all the red fruit.
Speaking of fruit, some people are saying that Thomas Jefferson was gay but I can tell you that he wasn't. No. He just likes black women. Nothing wrong with that. You know who was gay? Benjamin Franklin. How else do you explain a man with a kite? Sure, he fathered over fifty children. You know what I say to that? Father of the movement. Trying to create more in his likeness to populate the new found states.
They're the biggies. I don't know who else you want to know about. Paul Revere was kinda daft, Betsy Ross didn't wear underwear, James Madison was allergic to pork and don't get me started on John Hancock. His power trip is still evident to this day. Take up some more paper please John with your fat signature. Arrogant elitist.
All of this was written in the scrolls of the knights Templar. Did you not see National Treasure? It's like a documentary of my experience.
(paid for by "America: The Story of Us" airing Sunday nights on the History Channel)

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