I just had the most strange hour. The most wonderfully wonderful and terrifyingly sad hour of my life. It was one of those nights when inclusion and exclusion collided in the same moment.
You know, when you have what you need in life, you can forget about some of the more spontaneous joys that can happen when you open yourself up to them. For a while now, I have been in that place where I've had what I needed, but I've started to lose some of those things. I know that's not the popular thing to say, but it's true. We lose things in life. We lose people. Or in some cases, people choose to lose us.
But rather than sulking (it doesn't work for the one-note sad-sack girl in Twilight and it doesn't work for me either), I've started this really strange journey that's full of taking chances on things that I didn't feel that I needed to take chances on before. I started this trek a few months ago and if you've been reading this, you know that's true. And tonight, the trek continued.
You know, I've lived by the principle of the safety net. It wasn't something I borrowed from Carrie but it was definitely something that was solidified by her. (It's in season 6 if you had a question mark about my reference) But my safety net has sorta unraveled, some by my own doing but some out of my control. So I have to make a decision. Do I re-sew the net or drop it all together? There's something exhilarating knowing that there's no net to catch us. Makes me feel like a daredevil or something, but there's always the possibility of falling and crashing. It takes a while to come back from a complete crash. When there's a net there, bouncing back up is much easier.
I don't think I have to make a decision today. It's not something immediate. It's not like the moment the entire cast sings 'take a walk down lonely street.' (Stop it with the reference questioning. All Shook Up. Now do yourself a favor and Look It Up.) I think this is something that will take some time. There are so many changes coming in the near future that I'm going to continue to wait it out.
I realize that I never really said what happened tonight. Nutshell? Something good and then something bad. Something fun and then something hurtful. Something new and then something that's very very old now.
But you know, I keep thinking about the first part, the 'taking the chance' part of tonight, and it makes me smile every time. It's like something I can't control. It just happens. And I love that. So I will go to bed smiling and knowing that when I start to doubt, "there's always me."