Sunday, August 23, 2009

The doctor said...

"I meant what I said and I said what I meant
An elephant's faithful one hundred percent."

Horton was onto something here. I mean, saying what you mean isn't always what we do. So many times, we hold it inside and don't speak up. I try not to be that person and the people around me know that. They stick with me anyways, for reasons beyond my comprehension, but they do.
But there are things that even I don't say. Why don't I? Why don't I speak up when my feelings are really hurt? Why don't I just tell them that they weren't that great in that moment? Why don't I just say what I am actually thinking?
Common sense really. If we said everything that we meant, we wouldn't have any friends now would we? There's a niche for that outspoken/tell-it-like-it-is person but at some point, compassion has to set in. Compassion for other people's feelings. There's only so much Karen Walker that a person can be before they have to reel it back in.

You know, Dr. Seuss also said this:
“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”
So maybe I should just let it go and say what I mean anyways? I mean, the man is pretty wisdomous. Hop on Pop? Cat in the Hat? The Sneetches? Maybe I should listen.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Not sandals.

It's funny to me how people care but then don't. How people can be so "there" and then be the exact opposite so quickly.
Flip-floppers. That's the technical term I believe. Flip-floppers. I have a few of those in my life. They're fun.
Actually, they're great when when they care. But then when they have flopped to the other side and they don't, they leave you feeling kinda empty and foolish for learning to lean on them. That was obviously a foolish decision because they have proven that they will flop.
Musician's albums flop. Movies flop. Rabbit and puppy ears flop. But when people do, it's so discouraging and you just want to shake them and remind them that they could be such a wonderful friend if they wanted to be. And at some point, they wanted to be, but they flopped since then.
So things have flopped again.
I'm used to it.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

I'm willing to run...

Get ready...
Get set...
I've been ready and set for a long time. It's time to go. And GO I will!
You see, lately, I have let go of a few inhibitions. I understand that it's hard to believe that I had any inhibitions left, but I did. But I've let a few go and I've been having fun. It's a great new place.
Kinda scary. And at times, I feel kinda lonely. No. Alone. I feel alone. A lot.
But that can be alright. It can give some real clarity. That's what I choose to believe anyways.
So here I go. Big start. Big year. Big plans. A year from now, things will be completely different for me. I will be living in a different place, I will have traveled quite a bit, and things will be moving along for me. I don't know who will be in my life, though I have hopes that I won't lose anyone between now and then.
That's a scary thought isn't it? It's a terror that I choose not to live with. The thought that my people won't still be there. That makes my heart hurt and hemorrhage feelings of doubts and panic. But I have faith. I have faith that these people that I have in my life are there for the long haul.
And quite the haul it will be.
You know, I have these people in my life who are so important to me. And I try my hardest to let them know as much as possible how important they are to me. And I'm single. At this point in my life, being with someone doesn't make a lot of sense to me. There are too many places I want to go and too many things I want to try to be tied down like that. And that's thrilling to me. It's thrilling to me to not know where I am headed next and it is just as thrilling to know that I don't have to be with someone to be happy doing whatever that is. Too often, people hop from person to person, trying to be happy and be fulfilled. Too bad they don't understand what I understand, a nugget of wisdom I'm willing to share with the class. It's not until you learn to be happy alone that you will be able to learn to be truly happy with someone else. That's my PhD in counseling talking.
And it starts now, my new push. I mean, it started a few weeks ago but I'm really going for it at this point.
Bang.
(that was the gun shot signaling my time to go as opposed to me offing a stupid individual.)
I'm ready ready ready ready, ready to run.
And it all starts now.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Getting the axe

I received a threat yesterday.
A real threat.
A buddy of mine threatened to chop off my misters with an axe and as much as I would have loved to believe that we were having a sub-par conversation about body sprays, we weren't.
But is it wrong that instead of being afraid that he would turn me into a woman, I actually kinda felt warm inside? Someone cares. If I was a Care Bear right now, the flar on my stomach would be shooting out light to deflect some evil cloud or constipated lizard or sad clerk. There is something wildly unsettling about the Care Bears. In order to defend themselves, they jut their stomachs out and shoot out light? I don't know that kids should be watching that. Society today's just so dirty.
So - while the threat was, I believe, real (and justified if I am being honest), it had the opposite affect on my psyche.
And with that, I head into my weekend, packed as it is, knowing that there is a threat on my head. Sorry. That was dirty too.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Who gonna check me boo?

I messed up again.
I mean, is it the biggest deal in the world? Probably not. And do I really feel bad about it? Probably not.
But I did. I said I wouldn't. No. I went as far as to promise that I wouldn't. But I did. Did I do what I promised that I wouldn't do? Not really. But I went just far enough with it to where I fractured that promise. Kinda.
Why so vague? Because it really doesn't matter what I did. We all screw up all the time. We all do things that we know we probably shouldn't do and yet, we do them because in that moment, man, it's great.
But life calls back. Again and again. Until we finally answer the phone and have to deal with the shouting on the other end. You know, I don't like being shouted at. I don't like the screaming when it's in an anger/frustration kind of setting. I don't. I like it to be spelled out to me, laced with christian guilt, and frosted with a dollop of constructive criticism. That's what I need. But I've been watching a lot of the Real Housewives of Atlanta lately, and shouting has become very appealing to me.
You know what's the worst thing in the world? And the best thing in the world? All rolled into one thing? "I trust you." Shoot me in the face. Just shoot me. It's the best thing in the world that someone would tell you that, to have that sort of vocal confidence in you that edifies you and makes you feel ten feet tall. But at the same time, that verbal sentence can seem like a prison sentence into a set of wooden emotional stockades.
So there it is. Except I don't feel like I am in stockades. No. I feel free. Free to make my own decisions for the first time in many many years. Decisions that may be right or wrong, good or bad, helpful or harmful. But I can make them. Just me. And that is highly liberating.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

"He's arrogant"

Tonight, I was at a birthday party. You know, one of those coming-of-age parties when they leave childhood behind and are suddenly legal. Right. I met some new people there, really, just one new person, and I actually already knew of her.
So I'm standing there, talking to her, she's fascinating and different and I'm intrigued. Well, my buddy who I'm there with starts talking to her about me and what my job is. So he starts talking me up, telling her how great I am and how I do all these amazing things at work.
It was a very strange moment. I have had bosses say nice things about me, coworkers, etc. And I would like to imagine that my friends say nice things about me when I'm not around. I can only imagine the things that are said about me. "He's obnoxious." "He's arrogant." "He's too clingy." "He doesn't make wise decisions." "I wish he'd leave me alone." "Why won't he just go away?"
But here, really nice things were being said about me in front of my face. And as much as the comments were flattering (and true), they didn't mean anything compared to how I felt in that moment, hearing my buddy talk like he was proud of me.
You know, in life, we talk about work so much and there is that point when people don't really want to hear about work anymore. Unless you're Britney or Beyonce. We could listen to them talk about work all day long. But me? Not that interesting. But to have someone that is that close to me talk me up like that, I feel like I'm flying.
He doesn't know that it meant that much to me. Maybe he won't ever know. But it might have brought me to life tonight. Thank yous are really corny and I've done that too much recently. But I feel like Alladin right now. You know, when he's singing A Whole New World and they are flying on the red carpet over that water? I can just imagine that would be the animated equivalent of what I am feeling right now.
The cake was good, the apples were wonderful, the cookies made my heart happy, but it was nothing compared to the feeling I felt knowing that he was proud of me. That was the best, and the most humbling, feeling in the world.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

7 again

I had a realization today.
As children, we fantasize that we have powers. Especially boys. We all want to be superheroes. We want to fly or shoot things out of our hands, or read people's minds.
I was talking to a friend tonight about the Incredible Hulk ride at Universal Studios Islands of Adventure park in Orlando and how much I love that ride. It was then that I realized why.
As you fly up that shoot toward Heaven, you lose all your cares and inhibitions and for a minute or so, you are flying. Suddenly, you are able to fly, just like every school boy wants to.
And that is why we love rollercoasters. Because we can live out the parts of our childhood that our imagination would only take us so far into.
And that feels wonderful. To be 7 again. That would be wonderful.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Charlie...

HAPPINESS IS FINDING A PENCIL.
PIZZA WITH SAUSAGE
I had that this week. It was supposed to be garlic chicken but it was something else entirely and it was pretty incredible. I think that is where my happiness started. It started then.
TELLING THE TIME.
Monica couldn't until she was 13. I figure that since I could before that, I have something to feel good about.

HAPPINESS IS LEARNING TO WHISTLE.
TYING YOUR SHOE FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME.
HAPPINESS IS PLAYING THE DRUM IN YOUR OWN SCHOOL BAND.
That whole thing about moving to the beat of your own drum, it's got such a negative connotation to it but in reality, It's not at all. I mean, is it so great to follow everyone else's beat? No. It's not.
AND HAPPINESS IS WALKING HAND IN HAND.
Physically or metaphorically.

HAPPINESS IS TWO KINDS OF ICE CREAM.
KNOWING A SECRET.
And keeping it.

CLIMBING A TREE.
HAPPINESS IS FIVE DIFFERENT CRAYONS.
CATCHING A FIREFLY.
SETTING HIM FREE.
HAPPINESS IS BEING ALONE EVERY NOW AND THEN.
Because sometimes, we need to be alone. Sometimes, when we are alone, we make mistakes, but sometimes, we need that time for clarity.
AND HAPPINESS IS COMING HOME AGAIN.

HAPPINESS IS HAVING A SISTER.
Bleep blarp.

SHARING A SANDWICH.
GETTING ALONG.
It feels good to get along. It's like this unwritten and under-appreciated element of life. Getting along is like an undercurrent of nice. An undercurrent of peace.

HAPPINESS IS SINGING TOGETHER WHEN DAY IS THROUGH,
AND HAPPINESS IS THOSE WHO SING WITH YOU.
I have that covered in my life.

HAPPINESS IS MORNING AND EVENING,
DAYTIME AND NIGHTTIME TOO.
FOR HAPPINESS IS ANYONE AND ANYTHING AT ALL
THAT'S LOVED BY YOU.
I love a lot. And for the first time in months, I'm happy. I just needed Charlie Brown to express it.