Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Not food.

So as of late, I have felt a little...detached from my brain. Through a series of very easy, yet very retarded decisions, I have been left feeling like a balloon and the only bits of clear thinking that I can manage are the little droplets that funnel their way down the string of the balloon that is my head, floating three feet above my body.
It's an interesting view from up here. Not as great as I thought it might be. I mean, my head gets rained on before everyone else, whenever a wind blows, there I go, and in the end, I don't feel whole.
The worst part of it, is that with my brain not sending rational and wise thoughts down the highway to my body, it's just doing whatever it wants to do.
No good can come from that.
But I don't feel any remorse because, again, brain not attached.
So really, I've got to get, gotta get get, gotta get my head in the game. I mean, the more that I continue to drink coffee like water, the clearer things seem to be. So, I've got a new addiction. Really, it's not so new. But I am proclaiming it now.
Hi. My name is Ryan. And I'm a coffeeholic.
Hello Bruce.
you know in Nemo, when that bipolar shark is at the meeting? I'm that shark right now. That's me. Fish are friends. Not food.
So it's time to learn life lessons from a Disney film again. I mean they raised us. A dream is a wish your heart makes - go for your dreams, especially if your step siblings are whores. Just around the riverbend - there are new opportunities that could get you killed, but they could be very exciting as well. And the genie, he's responsible for the most important lessons. "Just remember, beeeeeee yourself." That's what's important here. He also taught us that the exits are here, and her, and here, and here, and here, and here, and here, and here, and here, everywhere. There are no limits! We can conquer all! The mermaid taught us that anything with tentacles should be destroyed, Timon and Pumba taught us that singing a song can change the course of your life and make you happy forever, and Dumbo taught us two things. One, that we should love our mothers. Two, that mice shouldn't get drunk because no good comes from it. That could be said for people too. The many levels of Dumbo.
So I've got to get back to myself. I'm Alladin, wearing the great outfit but not being happy. I'm Mickey in Fantasia trying to please people. I'm those fairies in Sleeping Beauty who can't make up their mind on anything. I'm the Great Mouse Detective that no one has seen but is really terrific. I'm the I'm not the hunchback. Really, if I was anyone in that story it was the gargoyles who could turn to stone and not have to deal with any problems anymore. I'm those poor baby rabbits in Robin Hood who just want attention.
But at the end of the day, I feel like that line in the Next to Normal musical. "Catch me I'm falling." It's almost a whisper. A faint cry. Not responded to. That about sums it up.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

The tale of July 25th

This is the tale of July 25th.
It began with our trip to Michaels to purchase paint. Nothing out of the ordinary. At all.
Then there was the wedding.
Look, I've been very honest with the fact that I never get to go to my friends' weddings because I always have a prior engagement that I absolutely can not get out of. Well, I was scheduled to go to a wedding today with a friend. I don't really know the bride and I have never met the groom before, but here I am, going.
I made a decision before going that if I was going to a wedding of people that I don't know, I was going to look the best out of everyone there. I made that decision. And you know what? I was. I was the best dressed male there. I now know what Brad Pitt feels like. If there was a list, I'd be on it.
Well, before that started, the bride's mother asked my friend to go Michaels to get stuff to fix the candles at the wedding. So back to Michaels we go. This time, we are helped by a very helpful man. Mind you, we are dressed to impress (which I did).
Wedding happens. It's fine. I ran into a familiar face which is always fun.
After the wedding, we start painting. We get to the point where we need more paint and we ran back to Michaels to get paint before it closed. So there we are, in the paint aisle, and I'm laying on the floor. I was knocked over by my "friend." So that man that helped us previously, walks by and asks me if I am okay. I am. Of course, he's seen us after our wedding costume change too. And don't think that he didn't comment on it because he did.
And did he call us out on how we walk the same too? He sure did. Clack clack clack clack. Right. So we have a friend in Casper, not the ghost, but the man at Michaels. And I was best dressed.
And this was the tale of July 25.

(side note: exactly 5 months til Christmas and if you look on facebook, people all over the world are celebrating Christmas in July. It's global now. And I take credit for it. You're welcome world.)

Sunday, July 12, 2009

What-a-size her.

Last night, after seeing a fantastic play, we were hungry. So we decided to stop at Whataburger and get some dinner. We ordered, sat at individual tables reminiscent of grade school, and a nice gal brought out our food to us one at a time. Except for one of us. One of the women in our fair group. No. She got the deluxe treatment, the What-a-sized treatment, if you will. Not only did TWO girls bring out her food, but they also proceeded to tell her that they loved her jacket and carry on a little conversation...flirtation much?
Now listen. Before you freak out. One of the women was moderately attractive and the other was semi-normal, but they had their sights on our friend. Yes. They threw out their nets and tried to bag her. Bag her like a burger and fries that cost too much but is oddly worth it. It's true. She did.

After this, I had a dream (in my new bed of all places) that I was friends with Adam Lambert and he had to deal with a crazy man that was threatening to destroy our school, but it's alright. He took care of it. Dream issue solved.
As I write this, there are people on my bed with me, taking up all of my space and bringing their body heat into my hot room on this hot summer's day. But they are not as hot as the two women at Whataburger were last night for my friend. No, not the grill nor the summer heat can compare to the fire burning inside of them. That is the fire of love.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009


Today, the most culturally relevant event was scheduled to occur. I was going to be at work when his memorial service was going to air on the major networks, preempting scheduled television. I turned the televisions at work on so that we could watch his memorial service.
This is a man that could do anything and he did everything. While his personal life overshadowed his professional life, there is not a person on the face of the Earth that can deny what he accomplished with his music.
At least, that is what I thought. Until a guy at work came in and asked if this was the only thing on television. I explained that it was on all the major stations and his response was, "Why? He's not even worth it."
In that moment, I felt like everything that I love about pop culture had been punched. I don't give a crap about who he did in his personal life. All I know is that he was the biggest star in the world. There was someone who said once that the three most famous people in the world were the Queen of England, the Pope, and Michael Jackson. I find this to be true. This memorial and the insanity that has surrounded his death is the most culturally pervasive global event that has occurred since Princess Diana died, and I argue that not even she was so globally recognizable and cherished as the music that Michael Jackson made was and is.
Having said all of that, I have no respect for that guy at work any longer. I just can't look at him the same way. You have to recognize the importance of a person who literally touched the world. You don't believe me? Watch the news. There are memorials to him all over the entire planet. People are standing in the streets of London and New York watching the memorial.
Side note: We all know that MJ wasn't the most religious of men. If he was, then he kept that to himself. But I do find it interesting how central God is in the memorial. Perhaps its something that makes people feel better about themselves to say that he is with God now. But I find it interesting that so many public figures feel free to talk about God in this situation but in their everyday life, He takes the backseat. Maybe if we kept Him in the front seat, the early death from painkiller dependencies and prescription drugs wouldn't have occurred.
But I will say this. Praise God for Jennifer Hudson. If nothing good comes from this at all, we know that Jennifer Hudson got to sing the song from Free Willy.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

An open letter

The Fourth of July with my family has become as much of a tradition as Christmas and Thanksgiving. The food, the stories that are told, the Boston Pops, it's all a part of the fun.
This time around, I brought the crew with me and that was thrilling because that meant tours of the wall of fame and the crazy steps up a notch.
My grandparents live on a golf course and so each year, as we have for many years, we headed out to the golf greens to watch the fireworks from the hills. Of course, this year, Sam Moon has bought the golf course. So Mr. Cheap Jewelry puts signs up everywhere that say we can't get on the greens. There was much concern. Until we just sat there anyways and had a lovely time. People were sitting all over the place. Take that Mr. Moon! Unpatriotic jewelry mogul. I should write a letter.
"Dear Mr. Moon:
Though you have tried your hardest to thwart the American spirit, we have prevailed. Much like our forefathers before us, we have prevailed. Even when you turned the sprinklers on during the fireworks, trying to dampen the patriotism of tax paying Americans, we have prevailed. Those people, though slightly more wet, stood in that wet grass and watched those fireworks. We sat on that grass and cheered the big explosions of red, green, and yellow. We have prevailed. Mr. Moon. You may have cheap jewelry and knock-off handbags, but we have prevailed none the less. The American ideal has won. Next year, if you turn the sprinklers on, I will stomp and slosh through the grass until there are giant pot marks on your perfect little golf greens. I will jam the backs of my lawn chairs in until there are grooves that golf balls can not escape. I will personally see to it that urine, mine or someone else's, ends up on the putting greens. Why? Because this is America. We have a right to fireworks. We celebrate with the Boston Pops. We dance the Sweet Caroline with Neil Diamond on television. We are Americans. And we are Brinsons. Don't mess with our holidays."

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Clever marketing

I've decided that I want a baby duck and an otter. Yes. That is what I need for pets. I'm watching television and there is a commercial for some dish soap. The announcer says that oil spills kill animals every year and this soap is what they use to clean the oil off of the animals, thus saving their lives. The marketing campaign is basically that it is tough enough to get rid of oil and gentle enough to be on the duckling's feathers. And then there is the otter, my favorite of all of God's creatures, second to squirrels. And beagles. Baby beagles make me melt. But I love otters.
When I went to the Central Park Zoo, I stood and watched the otters play for the longest time. Now, in all honesty, that was partially because I love otters and partially because there wasn't anything else to do. I've seen Madagascar. When I got to the zoo, I expected something like that. No. Nothing like that. The only thing that is the same are the penguins. None of the other animals are there. So, apart from an obese yet agile seal, the otters were my best bet.
I've always loved otters and now that I know that they have been cleaned by something that is both tough and gentle, I love them even more. And it makes me want to be the one cleans them off. And then swims with them in the pool! And I let them live in my bathroom! And they swim in the tub! Oh gosh. My 5th grade dreams just came true in my mind! What a great day!

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Things that really matter

It's been a while. And there is a reason.
For the past month, I have been catching up on television that I should have been watching for years. I spent three weeks watching The Office and another week watching 30 Rock. I have watched, all together, 8 seasons of television in the span of about 4 weeks. And let me tell you, I feel awesome.
The kind of awesome that makes you feel inflated and muscular. The kind of awesome that makes you feel like you are taller than everyone else in the room. The kind of awesome that gives you the power to just look at someone and make them weep.
You know, I didn't watch either of these shows because I didn't have time. It wasn't because I didn't want to watch them, but I just didn't have the time. And now, I have made time and while I know that in the future, it will cost me precious time each week to stay on top of these shows as well as the variety of shows that I already watch, I had decided that I will devote my time to this.
And you know what? I think I will be a better person because of it. Now, I will have insight into things that I never would have had insight into before. I will be smart about things that I wasn't smart about before. I will have quotes that I will use in my every day life that I would never have been able to use before. And now, if you can believe it, I have started watching Mad Men. Yes. I have started another show that I plan on watching the entirety of this summer. And before the summer's close, I plan on being caught up on Lost as well. That isn't as much of an undertaking as I'm only a season and a half behind. But still.
Some people use their summers for internships. Some people use their summers to go on missions trips. Some people use their summers to help people or to work to save money. I am not those people. I am the person who is using is summer to watch as much television as possible, giving me a reason to boast at the end of the summer about the number of hours of television that I consumed like macaroons at an all-you-can-eat chinese buffet. And don't forget about the important things I have to do as well this summer. So You Think You Can Dance. America's Got Talent. The Fashion Show. Wipeout. True Blood. Hung. (Yes I'm watching it and I like it quite a bit) The D-List. The really important things that really matter.
Side note: I loved Transformers and I don't give a crap what you thought about it.
So there you have it. The summer update. I'm spending my summer doing important things. And you have every right to be jealous. That's allowed in this situation.