It's been a long week and a half.
You know, I consider myself to be young. I mean, I am 25, soon to be 26, I am in grad school, my best friends are still in college, and that's perfectly fine with me. I love college football games, laughing all night long, and doing things that other college students like to do.
Last week, I lost a friend. To be bluntly honest, he was found dead in his room. I don't know what happened, but what I do know is that the feelings of "It's not fair" and "Why" have materialized in a very real way. It's strange you know? Here is this guy that I have hung out with daily, worked with, is in my phone, and is younger than I am. I see him at the grocery store on Monday night and on Tuesday, I won't ever see him again.
We had this remembrance thing for him the next day and there was a grief counselor there. He talked about how people grieve and what it feels like. And he said exactly what I was feeling. Numb.
I've felt numb for a while when it comes to certain things. It's the feeling of floating, but not in a good way. And I think I have been in that place for so long that I don't really remember what it feels like to not be there. It's not my whole life, just aspects of it. But in those aspects, I have been so numb that I have compartmentalized them away and made them these untouchable buttons that I won't allow myself to push. But I don't want to do that with this. I can't do this. If I do, then it will explode in a mushroom cloud of anxiety that will balloon at the most inconvenient of times, pieces of my psyche shattering and landing on anyone who is within earshot. And there is no reason for that.
I don't think there is much point to this blog besides saying that I miss him. Publicly. He was an incredible person and just as his father said, "All this crap we believe about grace and hope and God's will is still true, and I hope I find it to be true for me in this situation." I hope so too.