Monday, May 18, 2009

Rest In Piece

It's been a long week and a half.
You know, I consider myself to be young. I mean, I am 25, soon to be 26, I am in grad school, my best friends are still in college, and that's perfectly fine with me. I love college football games, laughing all night long, and doing things that other college students like to do.
Last week, I lost a friend. To be bluntly honest, he was found dead in his room. I don't know what happened, but what I do know is that the feelings of "It's not fair" and "Why" have materialized in a very real way. It's strange you know? Here is this guy that I have hung out with daily, worked with, is in my phone, and is younger than I am. I see him at the grocery store on Monday night and on Tuesday, I won't ever see him again.
We had this remembrance thing for him the next day and there was a grief counselor there. He talked about how people grieve and what it feels like. And he said exactly what I was feeling. Numb.
I've felt numb for a while when it comes to certain things. It's the feeling of floating, but not in a good way. And I think I have been in that place for so long that I don't really remember what it feels like to not be there. It's not my whole life, just aspects of it. But in those aspects, I have been so numb that I have compartmentalized them away and made them these untouchable buttons that I won't allow myself to push. But I don't want to do that with this. I can't do this. If I do, then it will explode in a mushroom cloud of anxiety that will balloon at the most inconvenient of times, pieces of my psyche shattering and landing on anyone who is within earshot. And there is no reason for that.
I don't think there is much point to this blog besides saying that I miss him. Publicly. He was an incredible person and just as his father said, "All this crap we believe about grace and hope and God's will is still true, and I hope I find it to be true for me in this situation." I hope so too.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Bluebird

I'm selfish. I'm conceited. I'm full of myself. I'm moody. I'm demanding. I'm overbearing. I'm obnoxious.
I know all of these things about myself. I know them. I have made my peace with them and those that love and care about me have had to make their peace with those things too.
But that isn't all that I am.
You see, I am other things too.
I'm caring. I'm devoted. I'm wildly defensive. I'm loyal. I'm loving. There's nothing that I wouldn't do for the people that I love. I have something television related to say about everything. You know, I have a high tolerance for hurt. While I used to wear my heart on my sleeve, I've started going sleeveless and keeping my heart trapped under my ribs where it is safe. I mean, stuff gets through the cracks and I feel it, but the thing about keeping my heart hidden under the ribs is that I can control what gets out. When you wear it on your sleeve, anyone can take anything from you.
So I keep it locked underneath a web of bone and tissue, away from being affected by caring too much.
But the hurt found a way in.
It's palpable.
And I'm not quite sure what to do now.
I keep asking myself what Rory would do or how she would get Lorilee to help her out, but I can't even think about what she would say to do. Rory would say that she isn't going to let anyone in anymore and then Logan would come in and it would all be thrown out the window. I'm tired of being on the carousel and I'm tired of the arrows that seem to hit me just between the ribs.
I'm sorry this is sad and I'm sorry it's not really pleasant, but I am trying to bumble my way through life's crazy labyrinth, barely knowing left from right and right from wrong. You know, the Chaperone has the right idea. The best that we can do is hope a bluebird will sing our song, as we stumble along. I am stumbling along right now, waiting for that bluebird.

I'm a Carrie.

So I'm watching Sex and the City and I can't help but find myself feeling like Carrie. I know. How stupid right? But I do.
Her plot line is trying to get the other three girls together because they haven't been together and taken a picture with each other since shoulder pads were in. There's this whole thing going on where she is worried about them never getting together, growing older and then growing apart. She has this neurotic complex where her feelings get hurt when the other girls don't seem to be as focused on it as she is.
I'm sure you can see where this is going so I won't fill in the blanks on my personal plot line.

At the end of the episode, they are on a bus and they finally take the picture. I'd love to fast forward the DVR of my life and get to that picture right about now.