Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Neither ____ nor _____

I've been living in this very strange land as of late. It's this middle ground that doesn't seem to ever really rise or fall enough to make some sort of impact, and I am really quite tired of it.

I was dating...well, maybe that isn't the right word for it. Dating implies all sorts of things that I don't really want implied, but since you read the word "dating," you read into what was implied and I can't do anything to change that now. Still, it's not the right word. I really should delete this whole paragraph and start over, but I know I won't. That's not how I do things.
Anyway, it didn't work out, for one reason or another. More so just one reason and not so much another, but that's neither here nor there.
But that is where I am. Neither here nor there. I am stuck somewhere in the middle of here and there, wishing I could just be here or there.
You know when you hear the mention of someone's name you haven't thought about in a long time? Or you see a picture of them or hear a song you haven't heard in forever? Then all of these memories come flooding back to you? That happened to me last night. I was thinking about the many complexities of puppy chow (not actual dog food - the chocolate/sugar dessert thing) and how my day was better because of the chow. Then online, bam! It happened. I saw a picture and it all came screaming back to me. Suddenly, I was on the rise again. Then, when everyone left my apartment and I was alone, I was on the fall again. It's a terrible cycle that one can usually use coffee to supplement, but I had to wake up in the morning so I couldn't use coffee. And you might think that coffee only fixes you when you are feeling physically down. That, my friends, is false. It fills you with joy, much like the puppy chow, and your spirits are lifted. But not even coffee can fix this lack of a buzz.
So I am stuck in the middle of here and there and I don't quite know what to do about that. I was headed toward there. I really was. And I was happy to be headed that way, even if I was being told not to go to there. But I'm not really satisfied with here either. So I have taken up residency in the middle. The grass is green all around me, the company is nice, but I find myself still wishing I was there. Or here. But more so there...with puppy chow.

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