Thursday, December 4, 2008

Just keep swimming

Why do people break? What causes us to reach that place where we just crumble and break apart? There are plenty of answers for that, insert yours here. ( ____ ) The real challenge is having to put ourselves back together again.
You know, I don't have time for drama. I don't. I have this habit of steamrolling my way through it and not hanging onto it. I can't hang on, especially now. I am trying so hard to make things happen and make things work in my life and having to put up with things that are so characteristically "high school" just don't fit into the puzzle.
Over the past few months, I have made some changes in my life. I have chased after some things that I haven't allowed myself to chase after and I have found an odd sense of fulfillment in the chase. The problem actually came when I finally caught up to what I was chasing. I found a version of what I was looking for and while it was satisfactory at the time, ultimately, it ended up breaking me even further.
I don't regret the chase. I am pretty sure I am still on it. Maybe just a different place. You know in Finding Nemo when they go over the canyon instead of through it? And while the top was more dangerous, it was far more beautiful and much less scary looking? Right. That's where I am on my chase and I've been zapped a few times.
But as I sit here, studying for the final that threatens all of my future hopes and dreams, eating almonds, and drinking Cherry Coke Zero, I find that the chase is the most exhilarating thing that has happened to me in as long as I can remember, and I don't really want to jump off the train that I am on.
Having said that...I was having a conversation with someone the other day who isn't even my friend. We were talking for whatever reason and the things that he said took my emotions by storm. I should clarify that statement. The things that he was saying in reference to his life got me thinking about my own. Our conversation ended and we went our separate ways, except what was said stuck in my throat for the rest of the day. I mean it. I felt like I needed to cry and hack up something all day. I bought Britney' new album, my favorite entertainer, and I couldn't enjoy it because i needed to cry and hack. It was like my emotional strength that I have been trying to build up over the past months just crumbled into nothing, piles of broken emotions on the floor of my stomach. (get the metaphor here now? If I hacked up my emotions I would cry...get it?) Except it was all too real.
It all sounds very gloom and doom and I'm not as unhappy as it may sound. I do have spells where things just don't work right and I feel like I am stuck in the jellyfish. But that's what friends and coffee are for. For some reason, when you put those two things together, I have a Jeff Goldblum moment and "Life finds a way." There are a lot of maybes in my life right now and not a whole lot is concrete. Even some of the people that I thought were concrete in my life have decided to flake. But if I stay on my journey and just keep swimming, I know I will end up with those narly turtles on my way to Australia.

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