Sunday, December 28, 2008

My night with a stripper

Right. I hung out with a stripper tonight that, after she has her baby, she plans on going back to school to get her life back together. That's great. Not that she's getting out of her night job. No. She's ready to go with that. Nice girl though. She really is. Baby Bryce is due in 60 days and he's got three other siblings to spend his life with. She's younger than me.
Really, it isn't that alarming is it? Not like a baptist condoning political views outside of the republican party, now that is alarming.
Point is, I hung out with a stripper tonight that makes legit cash when she's not knocked up and she was a very nice individual. While I am not such a fan of the work that she does, if she can provide for her kids while she finishes school so she can get a real job, who am I to scoff? I am imagining myself doing the same thing if I was in that situation...and thinner...now THAT is alarming.
I also got mooned tonight but that's really not that alarming. Just another photo opp on the road of life.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

"Is" happened to me

A new trend on social networking sites such as Facebook and the heavily over-crowded, over-worked, over-cluttered, and over stimulated Myspace, is.
I didn't make a typo. The trend is.
In our efforts to tell the entire world what we are feeling all the time, we update our status' to let people in on what we are thinking, what we are doing, what we are planning on doing, what we did, or what social cause we should all agree with. But from that has been born, "is."
Blah McBlah is.
Becca St. BeccaBecca is.
Bleep Flarblarp is.
Berf TotPresh is.
I have a feeling that "is" means different things to different people and to analyze what that might mean would be highly obnoxious and counterproductive since it's always going to just be whatever that person meant for it to be. But none the less, people just "is" now.
I can relate though. As the final moments of Benjamin Button were happening and the credits began to roll and that song was playing...I just "is." For real. I can say, that in that moment, I just "is." Well, was. But that doesn't go with the theme. I was processing, but doing it subconsciously, I was deep in thought, I was completely lost in the wonder that was the film and as I sat there and saw lines and lines of people's names scanning across the screen, I "is."
Probably the best part of my day, when I "is."
You can't just "is." It has to happen to you. And so it did.
But I sure didn't update my status to say that. No. I don't really remember what it said then, but it had to be something along the lines of animals dressed as humans or things a monkey would wear, which is basically the same thing and that is more terrifying than people throwing around the use of the word "is."

To myself

I'm not quite sure what to do here.
What do I say that hasn't already been said?
Do I open that gate and have that conversation yet again?
I don't know.
I don't really know what else to say about it.
But I might go ahead with it.
Why not?
Probably for all of the reasons listed above. But I still will.

Friday, December 26, 2008

I'd like a plate of comma

So every Christmas season brings more stories than gifts. You know its true. I mean, it might not be true for you, but it definitely is true for me. It would be irritating if everything was normal because I don't do normal.
Alright. I'll open with the honest truth. I watched Home Alone 2 on Christmas Day and when it got to the end, I cried. I'm not ashamed to say it. I cried. There Kevin stands, in Rockefeller Center, the tree behind him, the lit angels all around and that music begins. You know the music. The Home Alone music that is so wonderful. I've decided that if my life had a soundtrack, I would want that song played at the ending and over the credits. Of course, my opening song would be the opening song from Forrest Gump.
I have cousins. Plenty of them and they are all pretty cool. Well, some are older than others and the younger ones are, how should I say, not as learned as we who have been around for more than two decades. So my father is teaching the six year old how to do math. Well, he's young and he still uses his fingers to count it out (don't act like you don't still do that too) and my dad was messing with him by saying this: "What are you going to do when they chop your hands off?" Right. I'll say it again. "What are you going to do when they chop your hands off?" To which my cousin makes fists with his hands and starts shouting, "My fingers are gone! My fingers are gone!" It wasn't soon after that outburst that my brother opened his gift, a book by Obama (he's a history buff and reads political things a lot), to which the same cousin says in utter terror, "You like Barack Obama?!" Welcome to Texas.
There was the unveiling of the first grandchild who got a tattoo, there was the "BOSTON RED SOX" lit up on the roof of a neighboring home which I found to be particularly festive...
You know, I don't care what you celebrate. I don't care at all. I find Kwanzaa to be a little strange and not really real, but whatever. But come on. Boston Red Sox? It's Christmas for God's sake and they aren't even playing! Put those lights on your roof during the summer when they are actually playing, not now! Contrary to what Red Sox fans might believe, God doesn't really care about a baseball team and the world does not revolve around the Red Sox.
Catheder was brought up twice within about an hour. Oh? Too soon to jump back into the Christmas stories? Right. Well it was. Twice. I don't know how you bring that up at the Christmas dinner table at all, much less bringing it up again during gifts, but that's how we roll. We clap, we cheer, we give snaps, we videotape the long orations of a father that needs to learn that not everything needs a pause for emphasis, we have fashion shows in which we cheer, we peer pressure the family into trying on sweaters, we listen to long stories that don't ever really have an ending but everyone laughs anyways, we watch A Christmas Story ten times, we are pleasantly surprised and we have a great time.
My favorite though is when the young cousins start talking fast and I tell them to insert commas into their speech so we can understand them. "We have cake comma truffles comma and three kinds of pies comma (should be a semicolon but whatever, she's small) pumpkin comma coconut comma and pecan."

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

10 Things.

I don't want to be plain.
I don't want to be normal.
I don't want to be average.
I don't want to be everyday.
I don't want to be stuck in a rut.
I don't want to be small.
I don't want to be hometown.
I don't want to be usual.
I don't want to be tired.
I don't want to be boring.

I want a life bigger than me.
I want a life that's thrilling.
I want a life to envy.
I want a life of excitement.
I want a life that makes music.
I want a life that is a living theatre.
I want a life possibilities.
I want a life of power.
I want a life whirlwinds.
I want a life of greatness.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Eve on repeat

Christmas Eve Eve is not a holiday. It's just another day, but a day that includes that panic inducing moment when you realize that Christmas Eve is the next day. I mean, up until that day, everything is going well, Christmas parties are happening, the semester is ending, and everything is going well. Then you get to this day and you have that moment when you realize that it has all caught up with you and you are out of time completely.
So then what do you do? I mean, you panic and look at the list of things you haven't bought yet and know that you can't make plans anymore because all of your spare time will be spent buying gifts.
I don't have anything against the buying of gifts. I actually love to buy people things and one day, when I have a real job with real money, I will be a gift buying fool. But for now, I struggle with the rest of the economically challenged Americans who will be out searching for the perfect deal the day before Christmas.
I don't care for the Eve Eve thing.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Seasonal...

What am I supposed to do now?
It's true that there have been big events in my life that condone such a question, but it isn't because of those events that I ask.
What do I do now?
There just comes a point when that question becomes okay. After getting advice from so many people, after making a few select mistakes like I have the Repeat button pressed on the remote control of my life, and after years of the virtual (and sometimes not-so-virtual) tossing and turning, I have come to the point to ask that question. I've been told that I'm so strong, the strongest out of the group actually, and don't worry, I have fallen far short of that title.
What now?
It's like I am waiting for the next episode to start. No. The next season. The next character arc. I need my next character arc.
So there it is. That's what I need. I need a really juicy, really interesting story with lots of twists and turns. And a villain. And a really great love interest that only I like but no one else seems to. And a hardship that I overcome. With a sweeping soundtrack that ends with an inspirational song. And I smile as the sun sets. I give a quiet chuckle and I look off to the side.
Now?
Yes. I need a new character arc now.

Friday, December 19, 2008

A case of the Rs.

I've been watching a lot of television lately. No, that wasn't meant to be sarcastic. Stop it.
I watch a lot of television all the time, I know. But what I have been watching recently is different than the typical stuff I watch.
I'm watching things that are raw. That's right. Raw. Raw and rough and at times repulsive, and ridiculous, and rude, and real. It doesn't really matter what I am watching, though I am not afraid of telling you what it is. But since you didn't ask, I won't bother boring you with it. It's not important anyway.
What is important is the real-life-application that is coming out of this. It's astonishing actually. See, we like to live in this place where real life is important and fantasies are looked down upon. You hear the word fantasy and the meaning is sexual. Not that those kinds of fantasies are bad. Princess Leia and the gold bikini, strapping sailor home from the Navy, two stock traders rolling around on the trading room floor and everyone's watching...never happened.
But we rarely allow ourselves to envision a life for ourselves outside of what we can see down a specific road or path. We spend our lives searching for what we should do, we eventually either find out or just make a decision and live with it, and then we go toward that road, being careful to work hard to move up the ladder along the way. But what if we jumped off of that path to a more rocky path, knowing that we would be happier being rocked than smooth sailing?
Maybe happier isn't the right word. Actually, I know it's not. Happier is not the word. We go to the movies to feel a sense of adventure. But what if the adventure wasn't a movie, it was real life? It's that the point of this life anyways? To have an adventure? I have never wanted to be that person that was normal. I've never wanted a normal life with normal happenings and normal surroundings. I have always craved a life bigger than my own. Plenty of people feel that way. But do they actually go for the adventure?
What Ewan McGregor was taught in Sunday School via Big Fish was that "The more difficult something is in the beginning, the more rewarding it is in the end." So while none of the people in the television shows that I am watching are anything to aspire to be in life, there is the reality factor that sets in and makes me want to jump off the road and take to the rockies.
And I think I might. I love that all of my big life decisions are a by-product of people acting like whores, sex-addicts, vampires, obnoxious teenagers, and various incarnations of existence-questioning adults on television. My mother raised me right.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Yes.

Can I ask you a personal question?
Yes.
Are you lonely?
Yes.

That was from a television show. Blunt and to the point, just like good television should be. Wouldn't life be easier if we just asked each other the tough questions?

Do you like me?
Yes.
Wanna be my otra?
Yes.

It would really cut to the chase and take a lot of the drama out of our lives. Not everyone can live like they do on TV. At some point, it has to be simple.

Do you like me?
No.
Is there hope for it in the future?
Probably not.

But you know, people, as a whole, are addicted to the drama. We know it's fun and it gives us something to talk about and complain about. So we maintain that we "don't have time for the drama" but we actually are so addicted to it that we don't even know we are addicted. But wouldn't it be great to not have to deal with it at all?

Are you irritated with me?
Yes.
Why?
Because you are arrogant, self-involved, and full of yourself.

Beating around the bush just makes life more difficult and makes lying that much easier the next time around.

Do you love me?
Yes.
Then why don't you act like it?
I'm flighty.

If we would just take a cue from the blunt lines from television as opposed to running around in circles with each other, we would all live in a land of absolutes. There wouldn't be any guessing. Sure, it might suck initially, but wouldn't you rather know?

Are you happy?
No.
Why not?
...

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Palms are people too

It's snowing in Malibu and in Las Vegas.
There are so many things wrong with that sentence. Not that those areas of the country don't deserve snow because they surely do. Vegas has to deal with the intense heat of the desert all the time and a little snow might be the perfect thing needed to cool those steamy people off. Who knows, maybe some of the topless girls will have to put shirts on to stay warm. I mean, if they want to be topless, I won't stand in their way. They can do whatever they want to with those. I'm just saying.
But why is it snowing there? Why? Why is it snowing in Houston? The palm trees aren't going to be too thrilled about that. What about that? What about the palm tree's feelings? Does no one care about them? This is just like when Monica was going to have lilies at her wedding, thus preventing cats from being able to attend. If they eat a lily, they would die. How inconsiderate. No, I'm not being foolish. Here's why: I just completed my last spanish course and the feeling of excitement that has come over me is incredible. When I was in high school, my spanish teacher would always say that "Pets are people too," in response to how we address them within the spanish language. If that doesn't fit in this situation, I don't know what does.
I just find this to be one big cosmic joke. Ha ha. It's snowing. Ha ha. I'm going to have to chew a piece of sweet gum and think this one over.
I love the snow. I do. I very rarely get to see it because I live in Texas, but I do love it. I love the thought of getting all bundled up, wearing a scarf, and just walking in the snow. But it doesn't snow down here. It ices and while that does give everything the appearance of having been snowed on, it isn't actually snow at all. It's ice.
I think the point that I am trying to make here is that topless dancers should be allowed to do whatever they want to do, unless it snows, in which they need to put on a shirt. Oh, and palm trees have feelings too.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Neither ____ nor _____

I've been living in this very strange land as of late. It's this middle ground that doesn't seem to ever really rise or fall enough to make some sort of impact, and I am really quite tired of it.

I was dating...well, maybe that isn't the right word for it. Dating implies all sorts of things that I don't really want implied, but since you read the word "dating," you read into what was implied and I can't do anything to change that now. Still, it's not the right word. I really should delete this whole paragraph and start over, but I know I won't. That's not how I do things.
Anyway, it didn't work out, for one reason or another. More so just one reason and not so much another, but that's neither here nor there.
But that is where I am. Neither here nor there. I am stuck somewhere in the middle of here and there, wishing I could just be here or there.
You know when you hear the mention of someone's name you haven't thought about in a long time? Or you see a picture of them or hear a song you haven't heard in forever? Then all of these memories come flooding back to you? That happened to me last night. I was thinking about the many complexities of puppy chow (not actual dog food - the chocolate/sugar dessert thing) and how my day was better because of the chow. Then online, bam! It happened. I saw a picture and it all came screaming back to me. Suddenly, I was on the rise again. Then, when everyone left my apartment and I was alone, I was on the fall again. It's a terrible cycle that one can usually use coffee to supplement, but I had to wake up in the morning so I couldn't use coffee. And you might think that coffee only fixes you when you are feeling physically down. That, my friends, is false. It fills you with joy, much like the puppy chow, and your spirits are lifted. But not even coffee can fix this lack of a buzz.
So I am stuck in the middle of here and there and I don't quite know what to do about that. I was headed toward there. I really was. And I was happy to be headed that way, even if I was being told not to go to there. But I'm not really satisfied with here either. So I have taken up residency in the middle. The grass is green all around me, the company is nice, but I find myself still wishing I was there. Or here. But more so there...with puppy chow.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Just keep swimming

Why do people break? What causes us to reach that place where we just crumble and break apart? There are plenty of answers for that, insert yours here. ( ____ ) The real challenge is having to put ourselves back together again.
You know, I don't have time for drama. I don't. I have this habit of steamrolling my way through it and not hanging onto it. I can't hang on, especially now. I am trying so hard to make things happen and make things work in my life and having to put up with things that are so characteristically "high school" just don't fit into the puzzle.
Over the past few months, I have made some changes in my life. I have chased after some things that I haven't allowed myself to chase after and I have found an odd sense of fulfillment in the chase. The problem actually came when I finally caught up to what I was chasing. I found a version of what I was looking for and while it was satisfactory at the time, ultimately, it ended up breaking me even further.
I don't regret the chase. I am pretty sure I am still on it. Maybe just a different place. You know in Finding Nemo when they go over the canyon instead of through it? And while the top was more dangerous, it was far more beautiful and much less scary looking? Right. That's where I am on my chase and I've been zapped a few times.
But as I sit here, studying for the final that threatens all of my future hopes and dreams, eating almonds, and drinking Cherry Coke Zero, I find that the chase is the most exhilarating thing that has happened to me in as long as I can remember, and I don't really want to jump off the train that I am on.
Having said that...I was having a conversation with someone the other day who isn't even my friend. We were talking for whatever reason and the things that he said took my emotions by storm. I should clarify that statement. The things that he was saying in reference to his life got me thinking about my own. Our conversation ended and we went our separate ways, except what was said stuck in my throat for the rest of the day. I mean it. I felt like I needed to cry and hack up something all day. I bought Britney' new album, my favorite entertainer, and I couldn't enjoy it because i needed to cry and hack. It was like my emotional strength that I have been trying to build up over the past months just crumbled into nothing, piles of broken emotions on the floor of my stomach. (get the metaphor here now? If I hacked up my emotions I would cry...get it?) Except it was all too real.
It all sounds very gloom and doom and I'm not as unhappy as it may sound. I do have spells where things just don't work right and I feel like I am stuck in the jellyfish. But that's what friends and coffee are for. For some reason, when you put those two things together, I have a Jeff Goldblum moment and "Life finds a way." There are a lot of maybes in my life right now and not a whole lot is concrete. Even some of the people that I thought were concrete in my life have decided to flake. But if I stay on my journey and just keep swimming, I know I will end up with those narly turtles on my way to Australia.