Friday, November 14, 2008

I needed you

I've always kinda prided myself in how strong I am. Not physically strong, but the inner strength you see on posters and after school specials. I've never really been one to buckle under the pressure and fall apart in public. In private, people can fall apart all they want, but in public, I've always been strong.
And I've always kinda thought this about myself but I've been verbally told this by more than one person as of late, and it freaked me out. Like, in the way that animals dressed as humans freaks out Monica. In the way that Michael Flattley Lord of the Dance scares the bejeesus out of Chandler. In the way that Carrie is freaked out by the mouse in Aiden's cabin. It freaked me out.
Because I'm not that person. Not right now at least. I'm just moving along, trying to figure things out and I have reached a place where I have to go at it alone.
We say that don't we? "I have to do this alone." But we don't mean it. We don't mean it at all. We say that so that the other person will say, "No. I'm here for you. I won't let you go through this alone." And we all know that, yet we don't engage in the follow-through.
If sitcoms have taught us nothing, we know that when we say we don't need help, we really do. Watch any episode of the Golden Girls. One has a problem and they leave the room, usually pushing through the swinging kitchen door. What happens? The other two follow her to help her, even when she says she doesn't want their help. Then Sofia makes a wise crack and boom, we picture a happy ending.
But that ending would never happen if we didn't go ahead and help the person who says they don't need it.
If one of my gang is going through it, I'll drop what I'm doing to help. Everyone likes helping the gang. And I've never turned down the opportunity to do so. Need to cry in the middle of the night on my couch? Fine just don't make fun of my bed head. I guess the point is, I've always been strong. And right now, I don't feel that way. I've got things to figure out and I need to go at it alone, but we all know what that really means.

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