It's the Fourth of July and it's all about food, family, fun, and freedom. (Sears, you can borrow my slogan) And so I am flipping through the channels before I go home to hang out with the fam, and on ESPN, they aren't playing football, baseball, basketball, or the Olympic qualifiers. No. They are playing the Nathan's Hot Dog eating Competition.
My personal favorite is the man with the purple suit and mohawk. He is my favorite competitor. Not that the asian with orange and red hair isn't great. Or the guy that wears the Nacho Libre mask. He's great too. Well, and
There are thousands of people there to watch it too. How strange is this? Thousands, waving giant yellow
Okay. And apparently it's been going on for almost 100 years. Suck on that Nascar.
And the winner gets this belt. Lets look at this belt for a second. Shall we? It's made to look like the belt that wrestlers get when they are the champion. That's fine because the WWF belts are huge and shiny gold and everything. BUT - this belt looks like a yellow piece of foam, cut to look like the belt, and then bedazzled with rhinestones and glitter. No lie.
Okay. And there is commentary. For real. There are men there who are getting paid to pretend like a hot dog eating contest matters. I think that my favorite thing that one of them said was "They attack those dogs like Lindsey Lohan attacks a mini-bar.'
If you have ever watched something like this before, then you know how disgusting it is. I can actually only watch it for about 3 or 4 seconds before I have to look away again because I love hotdogs and I will tell you that they were not meant to be treated this way.
Three minutes have gone by and this small asian woman has eaten 26 hotdogs. She's standing next to the man with the mohawk and as the commentators say, so poignantly, "She's Madonna to his A-Rod."
Wait. There is a photo finish. For real. A photo finish for a hotdog contest. It's a tie. And they are having a 5 dog eat off. This is like a fake world. Who aspires to do this stuff? Okay. So the guy who won, ate 59 hotdogs in 10 minutes and then stuffed 5 more in before the other guy could. So really, there are two men who ate 64 hotdogs. in the time span of half of a an episode of FRIENDS. Not okay.
Moral of the story: Not okay. ESPN, you should be ashamed. Absolutely ashamed of yourself. And not just because you are going to have Justin Timberlake host the ESPYs. Shame on you. Shame, shame shame.