Thursday, May 29, 2008

Clay Aiken Got a Girl Pregnant

Wait. Can we just take a moment to soak that in.

By artificial insemination. There it is. There is the kicker. I knew he couldn't do it for real. I knew it.
Look, if he is going to be like Manilow and just never say if he prefers hee-hee's or hoo-hoos in bed, that's fine. But come on. COME ON.

I literally can't find the words to talk about this. It's just so...there are no words.

Monday, May 26, 2008


The Sandlot is one of the best movies ever. I know how large of a statement that is. But it really is. Think about it. Everything you need it wrapped up in this one kid's movie, though I don't really consider it a kid's movie.
There is a chase scene, action, vomiting, hot girl at the pool, scheming, exploding tree houses, a giant dog, Karen Allen, nostalgic music, and smores.
And who knew how to make a smore before this movie came out? I mean, we knew variations of how to make them, but it wasn't until this movie that we knew exactly what to do and and how to do it. How can you have some more of nothing? I will tell you. "First you take the graham, you stick the chocolate on the graham, then you roast the mallow. When the mallow is flamin', you stick it on the chocolate, then you cover it with the other end. Then you stuff."
You know, I have a picture that looks like the picture of all of the boys on the sandlot. When I was in 5th grade, there was a picture taken of me and all of my friends at camp and it looks just like that one in the movie. It's my own Sandlot photo.
There is a big life lesson in this movie too. Don't chew tobacco or you with have explosive vomiting as if you are in a Quintin Tarantino movie, or that scene in the Addams Family when they are at the play and Wednesday and Pugsly's arms get chopped off and they spray blood all over the audience. No one wants that. So I have never touched the tobacco and I think the reason is this movie. I have been spared Tarantino vomiting. That is the power of movies.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

It's Helen Y'all

Isn't it wonderful when an actor is in a movie and they have to have a different accent than the one they acquired during their childhood? I think it's great. I mean, Johnny Depp doesn't sound like Sweeney Todd or Jack Sparrow...kinda.
I'm watching National Treasure 2, that's so much better than the first one by the way and Nicolas Cage's whisper/serious voice is just as good as the first film, and it's just funny to me when Diane Kruger's accent comes back. I know, it doesn't really matter. But come on, its funny.
When I lived in New York, people didn't believe me when I said that I grew up in Texas because I didn't have an accent. Obviously, I worked hard on it so that it wouldn't be that way. There is a silly connotation that people with a southern drawl are somehow stupid, although I find it to be untrue. That conclusion in no way comes from the people that inhabit that town my university is in. Or Anna Nicole Smith. None the less, I didn't want to speak that way. So I didn't and I don't.
But I think it's funny how one minute, she is the All-American blonde and the next, the is back as Helen of Troy. It's just funny to me.
Troy. Now that was a movie. It got such a bum wrap from critics but it really was great. Eric, Brad, and Orlando. King's waging war, the pretty blonde, who later in life would break into the Oval Office with Nic Cage, who was in Gone in 60 Seconds with Giovanni Rabisi, who was Pheobe's brother on Friends, which guest starred Kristin Davis, who also guest starred on Will and Grace with Eric McCormick which also guest starred Kevin Bacon. Hooray! I did it y'all!

Paved Paradise

The dog pooped on the sidewalk. Yeah. We were on a walk and she kept trying to stray off into the grass. Now look, I realize that she is a puppy and she is excited about life and wants to smell everything and woof at everything. But at some point, you have to make the puppy stay on the sidewalk so that her nails will get filed down.
Nails are an understatement. She doesn't have nails. They're not even claws. It's more like talons. The puppy has talons like an eagle. Or if you took the teeth out of a barracuda and glued them on her feet, that would work. Do barracuda have teeth? I don't know. But if they do, I imagine that they are like the dog's feet machetes.
Speaking of barracuda. Did you see Fergie on Idol Gives Back? When she sang Barracuda with Heart? Rocked my, along with America's, face off. She let it go to her head and she performed it on the Today show...on the ground, front of small children. Did you see the video? Look it up! You can see the horrified faces of the kids behind her! Fergie Ferg. Come on now. And do you think that we really want to see you in those skin-tight, fake-leather, black leggings? No. I don't care how fit you are.
So I am keeping the puppy fit by walking her, and she trails off into the grass again. So I pull her back so we can keep walking. I just didn't realize that she was leaving a happy trail while she was trailing. So I realize it and I stop she can finish. But does she decide to finish in the grass? No. She goes on the sidewalk. Which is fine for me, I'm gonna keep walking. I had already decided to take another street home anyways so I would completely bypass even the smallest chance that I might step in it. But can you imagine the person that does? I just laughed out loud about it. It was a Dr. Evil laugh. Someone is gonna be angry, I just wish I could see it. It was a great 'Sit Ubu Sit' moment. Good dog.


The other day, I was professing my love for a certain quasi-celebrity and one of my closest friends said that she thought it was weird that I liked this semi-celeb. She thought it was strange. So I have to make a proclamation!
I love Mary Murphy! I know that I said that already. But I want everyone to know. When she screams on So You Think You Can Dance, it warms my heart. She's obnoxious and I love her. Some people don't like her, but they are just unable to handle all the love that is Mary. Murphy...not Magdeline or Mother o' Jesus.
I also love Kathy Griffin. Another loud woman. What's wrong with that?! What is wrong with loving these loud women?! There is something wonderful about women that are that loud and in public. It's like every time they open their mouths, they cause a scene. It's wonderful. One of my life goals is to cause a scene and I have come very close more than once. But these women do it daily and that is to be commended.
So, in the worlds of the great JennPez, let's get loud. And stay that way.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

The Romance Is Gone

What happened to the romantic comedy? Where did it go? There was a time when at any given time there was a Julia Roberts or Sandra Bullock romantic comedy costarring Hugh Grant or Richard Gere. And then Jennifer Lopez came along and we had even more romantic comedies. Going to the movies was fun and in the end, the guy always got the girl. Reese Witherspoon looked like she would be it, but after she went to Alabama, she got serious and left the popcorn flicks behind her. Meg Ryan used to be it, but then her lips inflated like balloons.
Where did those movies go? It's like a lost genre. Now don't go trying to throw Kate Hudson in my face. She doesn't count and you know it. Cameron Diaz tried to be that new romantic comedy person. It's still up in the air. I am willing to bet that she's not it.
So where did they go? No more "Two Weeks Miss Congeniality Notice." No more "Pretty Runaway Woman Bride." No more "The Wedding Maid Planner in Manhattan." Too bad. I miss them.

Friday, May 23, 2008

It's Not Gonna Matter Cuz You're Flat In Front Like Ken

So I have never seen Blades of Glory. I don't know why. But I didn't. But I am currently watching it now and I there are a lot of things that I love.
First, the opening credits was a Sarah Brightman song. That brought joy into my heart. It was just so unexpected. Kinda like Tilda Swinton winning the Oscar.
And then, the parade of skaters. It was like a who's who of American figure skating. It was like being at the winter Olympics.
I also loved how Napoleon Dynamite tried to escape that character but could not. Even when Will wears a snake skin jacket, he was still the same guy telling Tina to eat her ham. It's mind-bottling. And it's a good thing that Ron Burgundy was in this movie too. If it weren't for him, I don't think I would have made it.
And can we just say that the Oscar for best costuming was given to the wrong person. The costumes in this movie were so exquisite and wonderful that the lack of recognition is appalling.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Truth is Truth

I love Mary Murphy.
That's All.

In Memoriam

Steven Curtis Chapman's daughter died yesterday. She was hit by a car. I actually read about it on Perez and so I was actually so impressed that he covered it. I wanted to comment on it and when I clicked on it, the comments started out being nice and prayerful. Then, people turned so hateful with what they were saying.
I'm sorry. I know that Perez is gay. Who cares? He said something really nice about someone who he doesn't have to say anything about at all. That doesn't mean that people need to get on there and talk about how God doesn't hear his prayers because he's gay, or how you should look before you drive or let your kids in the road or whatever.
I've been physically hot since I read some of the comments. I had to stop reading them because of how awful people are. You know, I try to see the best in people. Even if they are uncompromisingly stupid, I try. But this sort of thing reminds me just how awful people are when they are stupid.
And this is why I have zero tolerance for stupid people.
Anyways, I am praying for the Chapman clan. They've done a lot and Steven was my first concert ever. I fell in love with concerts because of him.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Idol Finale Blog

I've never done this before, but they do it on the magazine websites that I love to read. So I am giving it a good shot.

Preshow: All the idols are there except for Kelly. I love that they are all there. It's like a Homecoming. Wait. Taylor Hicks isn't there. I don't care though. Sorry Taylor. That's what you get for being an old man.
Sanjaya is there and his hairline is receding. Karma is a bitch isn't it?
Janice Dickenson. I know people hate her, but I oddly love her. I love that she got new boobs and Simon worked his off.

And it starts!
I love the shameless promotion for So You Think You Can Dance. Not that I am complaining. Not in the least bit.
See, here's the thing. I don't really care that much about either of them. So I don't have anything to say about them and what they sing really. I mean, there are exceptions.
I can't wait til Archuleta makes boom boom in his pants though.
Why are they doing this? Why is the entire "pit" clapping above their heads? Did Paula spit in their mouth and suddenly they can't control themselves?
Can I just say that the sight of Mike Myers brings joy to my heart. Mariska Hargitay to you too.
And a Secreast crotch shot.
And a Syesha duet that was too low for her. And Seal didn't sound great. Good try.

Here's the deal. This means that the television season is over. The end of Idol is like the end of the year. School let out weeks ago, but the Idol finale is the sign that it's all over. I mean, I remeber when that meant that TV was done until the fall. I know that now we have SYTYCD and there are still a few finales left to air tomorrow, and Runway will be back in July, but the regular season is over. Can I chronicle my life on basis of the Idol finales? Yes. Yes I can. And I don't find a thing wrong with that. Some people go from Christmas to Christmas. Some go from the start of a school year to the next start. I go from Idol finale to Idol finale.

Back to the show.
Jason Castro singing the only song he sounded good singing. It was better the first time.
Free cars. Whatever.
Come on Amanda. Get into the frikken song. I hate you. I really hate you. Kristy Lee Cook was just good! See Amanda. You suck. Go smoke something. I forgot you existed and now you have ruined me.
Summer Donna. Sum-mer Don-na.
Ryan Seacrest. Dance it like you do in the clubs. With Jeff. Or John. Or Kenny. I'm bad. I'm so so bad.
And now the gay disco colors. It's like Speed Racer is on a concert stage. Summer Donna rocked. No way around it.
NO! Why is the Diet Coke Starry Eyed Surprise commercial back?! NO!!!!!

Okay. I am seeing the finale that I wish had happened. Carly and Michael Johns. That was frikken incredible. Oh my gosh. Holy crap. They were incredible.
David Hernandez should not have gone home first. Who cares if he was a stripper? Who cares if he is still a stripper? He is better than Chikezie Ezie. Did you know that is his last name? Ezie?

So interesting to me. Donna Summer has a new album coming out. Brian Adams has a new song coming out. Coincidence. Clearly.
Brooke White. Eh.
Jonas Brothers. No thanks.

Take it! Take it! Take it!
Let my pee-ble go!
I am your brother, best friend forever, sing the songs, the music that you like
Brothers til the end of time, together or not, you're always in my heart
You hurt your feelings, and you will rain no more, I love you brother
The USC band and cheerleaders. I have been cheering out loud. Literally cheering outloud. I have been waiting for that moment since his audition. And Paula dancing? Screw the Davids. That was the best thing ever.

I realize that Apologize is catchy. But he doesn't sound that great. Say what you will. But if you are going to have high notes in your songs, be able to hit them.

Jordin, you have lost weight and then you fell into the costume closet of Brand New Day scene from the Wiz.

The Pips thing. It was like this odd thing that I couldn't stop watching. I mean, there was something about Iron Man doing choreography. And why were Jack Black's pants down?

Carrie. She's everything that a country star should be. Perfect looking. Great singing. And she stole Storm's cape from the animated TV show. Look it up. It's dead on.

And the whole world just went "Why did they make another Hellboy movie? The first one wasn't all that great."

Um...sorry George "I have to use my hand for everything" Michael. Carrie sang this song better than you. Stop crying Paula. Stop it. I love "Hey Paula" but I draw the line at crying for George Michael.

Let's see. They have 3 minutes to give the final result before the news has to start.
2 minutes to go.
1 minute to go.
David Cook. Crying. It's touching. Wait. Who are you and why are you putting your head on his shoulder while he is talking? That was so creepy. I realize it was his mom. But man. That was creepy.
The producers can let out a collective sigh of relief. David Cook won. You know that they were all crossing their fingers because they know how incredibly UN-marketable baby David was. Throw him to Disney and let them have a good try with him.

You gotta love that picture at the end though. All the contestants with the judges, singing to the audience. It's a nice picture.

It's over. Let So You Think You Can Dance season begin!

Tuesday, May 20, 2008


I am dedicating my life to Prince Caspian. It's official.

Look, I have heroes, we all do.

David Beckham. Hero. Has been for many years. Long before he came to America. Actually, before he even went to Spain. I have been on his train for a long time. He came from practically nothing and became what he is today. He's one of my heroes.

The Lone Ranger. Don't smirk. I can see you smirking! There is something noble about what the Lone Ranger does. He wears a mask to protect himself and the people he loves and he saves the day every time. But he doesn't have the gadgets like Batman does. AND - he is so advanced in the realm of equality. Right? I mean, who else did you know from the old west that had a native american best friend? It just didn't happen. He was SO ahead of the curve.

The Man in the Chair. If you haven't seen The Drowsy Chaperone, you don't know who I am talking about. But the man who actually is the Man in the Chair not only starred in his show, but wrote it for his wife and used his real life experiences to create the funniest piece of theatre that I have ever seen. He is everything that I aspire to be in life. No joke.

Chuck Bass. Just kidding.

Speed Racer. Did you see how he overcame everything so that he could win the race, not just for himself, but for his entire family? It's touching. He's just flat out awesome. Hero.

And now Prince Caspian. He was on the opposite side. He was bred to be one way. He saw the error in that and he fought for the right team. He helped children, various forms of little people (some with long beards - that in and of itself deserves praise), half human/half horse people, I mean, he is the poster child for not judging a book by its cover. Race doesn't matter to him. Even having to listen to that kid who was a King of Narnia. You know that he just wanted to knock that kid around and tell him who was boss. But no. He didn't. He held himself together until it was time for him to regain the throne.

So there it is. Wait.

The last person who is my hero is actually not last. He is actually the only real life hero that I have. He's one of the top 100 nurses in the Metroplex and when I called him a couple weeks ago, he said that someone almost bled out during a procedure and he had to save their life. Screw Greys, he actually saved someone's life. My dad is an actual hero.
Him and Prince Caspian.
Couldn't end it sappy.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Mmm. Crying.

There is something wrong with me. I am sure of it now.
Okay. I realize that every other blog that I write is about television. I know that. BUT - here it goes again.
I have been watching the So You Think You Can Dance marathon for the past two days because the new season starts this week and I am so stoked.
It's airing the finale now. And I got teary eyed over the package at the beginning showing the entire season recap. Why?! Why did I have water coming out of my eyes?! WHY?!
I cried at the FRIENDS season finale a couple days ago. What is the matter with me?
And it's happening again! The clogger that was so great? Why am I being like this?!
Wait. I need a drink.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Getting Commercial

Have you seen the Lipton Green Tea with Citrus commercial? Where all the people from all over the world are humming? Please tell me you have seen that. Isn't there something wonderful about it? It's just so wonderful. It's like the whole world is in harmony. Isn't that how it should be? Humming, gospel choirs, its what life is made of. Soccer players and gospel choirs should live in harmony!

Kinda like the Coke commercial that used to air before the movies. Where the woman would walk down the street handing out cokes to people and they would begin to follow her and sing? No, I don't know where all those bottles came from and yes, it was convenient that all of those people added on just at the right moments and were capable of four part harmonies. But man it was uplifting. I mean, after that, I wished I could take all the love that was in my heart, remove all the bars that kept us apart, I wanted to sing it loud and sing it clear, for the whole wide world to hear.

Speaking of commercials. Have you seen the commercial for the Last Comic Standing when the black guy says that he likes to stand outside of a tanning salon, staring at his hands, screaming at the top of his lungs? Like he is so burnt and he's horrified? I just spent minutes of my life laughing. Minutes. I mean, minutes. So funny. I'm laughing now.

Who said that we should fast forward through commercials? Bump that.

Four Quarters

I was driving to work. I had four quarters in my car. All was well with the world.
I pull into work. I go inside. I take a look at the soda machine, and then I remembered that I didn't bring in those four quarters. Dang. No. More than dang. Damn.
So for hours, I stared at the soda machine. Waiting for the opportunity to go outside and get those four quarters from my dashboard to insert them ever so delicately into the slot. Dirty isn't it?
It was time! Time to go outside and get them! I ran to my car (not really), ripped those quarters from the dash (not actually), raced inside (not entirely), inserted them into the slot (that happened) and jumped for joy as the bottle bubble-gum-balled it's way to the opening at the bottom.
I reached down, grabbed that bottle, scurried back to my counter where I sell books and opened it. As it cascaded down my throat, I knew that I had hit the motherload. That's right. It was, is, and forever will be...cream soda.
Have you ever heard such wonderful words in your life? Cream Soda. It's the equivalent of a bouquet of freshly sharpened pencils isn't it?

Thursday, May 15, 2008

She Got Off The Plane

So the FRIENDS finale aired on TV today and I found myself watching, tearing up as Rachel comes back in from getting off the plane. What? Why? It was fine to do that when it aired the first time. That's called for. It was touching. Not all together unpredictable, but touching none the less.
But there I am, watching it in syndication and I am tearing up. And as they were leaving the apartment and they left their keys and was beautiful. Just beautiful.
And that is why I love television. I can get so angry at G on Gossip Girl, I can be so emotionally involved in FRIENDS and I can laugh until I cry at the absurd things on Family Guy. Stewie is deliciously evil.
Oh! And every single time that Janice comes in?! know the rest. It's wonderful. It's just heavenly. It's kinda like when Karen breaks into song with Lyle or in a dressing room. Man, if Jennifer Lopez was there every time that I randomly burst into song, that would be awesome. Alas, life doesn't work like it does on Will y Grace.

P.S. - There is a dog in our apartment. I know it doesn't relate. But she is 5 months old, her name is Layla (I did NOT name her), and she is here to poop.

(My own group of Friends)

Saturday, May 10, 2008

The Morning After

It happened last night at around 8:20. The opening credits began to roll. The colors began and didn't stop for the next 2 hours and 15 minutes.
I have written before about how excited I was for Speed Racer. I dedicated my life to it, I built a memorial in it's honor, I planned on having life size bronze statues built of the entire cast. I'm still waiting for the bronzer to get here.
I'm not kidding. This movie was awesome. I know what reviewers are saying, but please keep in mind that reviewers tend to be very old men. All the colors and the dizzying pace don't work for them, but for us, it worked wonders. It felt like we were actually inside the car. It was incredible.
The bronzing materials should be arriving within the week.

Monday, May 5, 2008

His Duplex with the Sunroof Open

It's 2:36 in the morning right now. I got home ten minutes ago. I left my apartment around midnight.
It started out innocently enough.
"You need a ride back to your car?"
"Alright. I can take you."
I grabbed my keys and nothing else.
"Be right back."
But I wasn't right back. No. No I was doing something far more deviant, more delightful, more deliciously evil.
That's right. I was talking.
Dun Dun Dun.
Rather - WE...were talking.
That's right. I have decided to just come out and say it. I was talking with a friend for two and a half hours in a parking lot inbetween a church and the Bible building. Right in the middle of God's duplex.
What did we talk about? I don't know that I should say. I think I have said too much as it is. I will already by held accountable for the things that have been written. I can't risk anything else.
Even though there was a witness.
That's right. A witness.
I had the opportunity to scare him and turn his light khaki shorts into dark chocolate colored shorts, but I didn't. Something came over me. Something called self control.
Now look what I have done! I have said too much.
I am ashamed. WE are ashamed.
We shall never repeat what was said on this night.
What was said in the middle of God's duplex.
It's our secret.
Now it's 2:47. I must now sleep in my shame.
My sad shame.
It was fun though.